It’s word that is used non challantly.  A beautiful sunset.  A beautiful bride.  A beautiful win.  You get where I am going with this.  But what a powerful word it can be.  Guess what’s next?  You got it .  A webster’s definition.  Here we go.  Webster’s defines the word beautiful as – excellence of it’s kind.  Wow.  The excellence, the top, the highest.  So, if you say you saw a beautiful sunset – you are saying it was the top.  Now, that being said, we say that word often and probably don’t take a whole lot of stock into what we mean when we say it.  But lately, I have seen that word everywhere – from my wrist to billboards.  And here is what I think.  I guess, this is gonna be my personal view on it – not that all my blogs aren’t, but anyway.  Here goes.

One year ago today, I married the man of my dreams.  My heart, my soul, and my best friend.  The one person in this world who really “got” me.  Who believed in me when no one else did.  Who stood behind me, when everyone was telling me I couldn’t do it.  One year ago today, I was over the moon, and I felt proud and optimistic.  We were finally on the right path.  I never, ever thought, this is the way I would be celebrating our one year anniversary.  Alone in front of a computer dreaming of our wedding day.
If you hadn’t noticed, I was off the grid this past week.  I was on a trip, that well, was much needed.  I traveled on a plane alone.  I got to the hotel – alone.  I switched planes – alone.  I figured out gates, Canada, and well the city of New York – alone.  And guess what?  I am sitting in front of my computer – safe and sound – and I did it.  I made it.  It was a bumpy ride – but I made it.  Before I met Shaun – that would have never ever happened.  He taught me something – and it’s something he wrote to me in one of his many notes… it said, ” You make me feel adventurous, and adventure is my inspiration.  Therefore BeautifuLL, you are my inspiration.”  And that, is one impressive compliment.  So, I was adventurous.  And I became inspired.  For many reasons.  There is so much in my head that I want to share.  So many stories, just waiting to be written.  So today, as my wedding gift to my husband,  it will begin.  Not just my story about he and I – but all the other ones we talked about.  And the new ones that are in my head.  This is my passion and my calling.  I know that now.  And as I was thinking about this, trapped in an airplane – and I look out the window.  What do I see, you ask?  I think it was Shaun, winking at me, and saying, “That’s what I want baby, that’s what I want.  I love you too – and you are doing good.”  You might call it the sun… but the sun doesn’t normally look like this… Not to me.  I love you, daddy – I love you so much.  And I miss you – I miss you more than you will ever know.  No one could ever do for me what you did.  I love you and think about you always.

A few days ago, my little girl had to get an “appliance” in her mouth.  It has been horrible every night.  I have to insert a key into this contraption in the roof of her mouth, and twist a key.  It in turn, pushes her upper jaw out – widening her palatte.  It seems painful, and she sobs everytime.  It breaks my heart – like way deep down it breaks it.  Shaun was so good at that kinda of stuff.  He was a consoler.  He could yank teeth, take them for shots, pull out splinters, cleaned scraped knees – and he would have them laughing their heads off in no time.  I don’t know how he did that. 
There are times, we it hits me more than others, the level that I  miss him.  I miss him all the time – but there are times I can almost taste the level of lonliness without him.  When I feel like if he was doing this, it would be better.  He would make it better for all of us.  She has been so weepy lately.  I think it’s just now catching up with her, exactly what happened and that he isn’t coming home again.  And boy, that’s hard.  I know it is.  So pray for my little girl tonight.  For her teeth, but more importantly, her heart. And pray for me – that God gives me the words to say to her – to ease her troubled little heart. 

You know, nowadays, there are all types of families.  Dysfunctional, nuclear, extended, emotional, and I could go on.  But, I wanna talk about my families tonight.  I have a few.  First, my church family.  During the last few months of my life, my church family has been my rock.  They have carried me through some long lonely days and nights.  And I don’t think a bunch of people could be more supportive or endearing if they tried.  I never knew how precious a group could be, and I hope you never have to know how much to cling to them, but wow – if you need them – they are there.
Then my immediate family – daddy, mommy, sister, etc.  Enough said.  Always have been here  – always will be.  I am blessed to have an amazing family by birth.  I know to be thankful for that – so many don’t have that.  And then Shaun gave me some rockin’ inlaws.  Alan, I know you live far away, but I feel like you are here every time I see that little grin from Jacoby.  He looks like his daddy, who looks like his daddy – and it’s awesome.
Second, my friends.  Jacqueline, Krissie, Brooke, and Kelly.  Four females who have stood by me no matter what.  All hours of the day and night – they are there.  I can’t even describe the love and support they gave – and to try to do so, would just do it an injustice.  It really would.  So, just know – they were/are amazing – and haven’t swayed.  At all, not one second.
Third, my work family.  I haven’t talked in my blog much about where I work – but tonight – I am busting it out.  I work for GEICO.  I was an Auto Damage Adjuster.  My co-worker, my supervisor, and my manager – they were amazing.  This a company, with a ton of employees, where frankly, I didn’t expect them to cater to me or help me – and they definitely did.  They moved me to a position that helped me sooooo much – made my life easier for my kids, and me.  They definitely didn’t have to do that.  And now, I work with some amazing people.  They make me laugh daily.  And smile when I think I can’t.  And I adore each and everyone of them.
So, I guess I am saying this – who is to say what makes a family?  I have a ton of different types.  And I love each and everyone of them.  And I feel like God orchestrated each and everyone of these individuals in my life, because he knew when and where I would need them.  And maybe, just maybe, they need me too.  I can only hope.  So guys, I love you.  All of you.  And all of you know who you are.  And my Shaun loves you – for putting a smile on my face, carrying me through, and helping me keep my head up, when I think I can’t .  You have all made me a better person.  And I love each and everyone of you.  So much.

I got asked a fabulous question tonight.  I loved it even.  And that’s why I am so late writing my blog – I was talking to a blog reader….  (And yes, It was kinda weird and stalker like, because I never met them – but after the fact, it was quite cool!)  But here is a question I was asked….  “How in the world are you so positive 95% of the time.  I would think it would be the exact opposite.”  Well, I had never thought of it that way.  Cause, to be honest, I would say that I can be quite the “Debbie Downer”.  But, I thought, and I do laugh at work.  I try to make jokes.  I genuinely love and cherish the life God has given me.  Have I been through some horrible times?  Obviously.  Are some days better than others?  Of course.  But, I have God and assurance – so how else can you really act?  I am positive.  Positive of many things.  And albeit, I have bad moments – for the most part – I know I am going to rock this.
A few days ago, I straight up freaked out on a friend of mine.  Acted like a complete crying and bumbling moron.  But it’s over with.  No point in dwelling on it.  I am gonna keep moving forward to my goals, my life.  And each day I am on this planet, I smile – because it’s one day closer to seeing my love.  And that will be glorious.  So that’s something to be thankful for, too.  I read somewhere when a guy was asked about how he was optimistic he said, “Well, that’s just the color of the sky where I live.”  That sums me up.  That is just the color of the sky where I live.  Every once in a while, there’s a few dark clouds, but for the most part – It’s gorgeous – and I can see a light on the horizon…. That’s my baby with his arms out – letting me know that he is there waiting… And to enjoy the view – until he can hold me and enjoy it with me.
This is the color of my sky…..

Wow.  Powerful singer.  I have been obsessed with her music today, since my daughter told me she felt powerful while singing with her.  And her lyrics are gorgeous – and deep.  I love it.  But, as I am listening – I laugh, because I think of my sweet girl.  And, I realize this.  I might not have the answers as to who I am without Shaun – but I don’t guess I really have to know.  I will figure it out as I go along.  There is no timestamp on it.  No one is pressuring me to make it work right now.  So, I am going to go peacefully along – at least until my next mega breakdown – and listen to music, play with my kids, and be thankful.  God has given me so much – but he’s never taken away.  I have just lost a few of the gifts he allowed me to have.  But I will enjoy the gifts I have today – and I am going to share one – Here is my daughter’s favorite song – that makes her feel powerful….  This one is for you little girl…..

There are things that make you think.  That make you think really hard.  And from what I have learned, those are the things that you really never wish you had to think about.  They make you think about who you really are deep down, when all the doors are closed and no one is watching.  And here is what I have found out about me.  Yes, it’s true, I am strong and tough – and can take hold of things that I never thought I could do.  But, there is that part of me that is painfully lonely.  That is just so sad.  Like the deep down, broken, type of sad.  And that just when you think you can’t hurt anymore, something happens – that makes you realize, yep – you still have a  heart, and yes – it can still hurt.  And well, that stinks.  I just wonder, at what point, this thing that I have that is known as a heart, will turn completely to steel, and quit hurting.  I guess it never will.  To have someone that always had your back, no matter what – somebody that you could talk to about anything, and lose that!?  It’s almost unbearable.
I have 3 precious kids.  And they are my world.  And I am so thankful for them.  But my goodness, how can you miss someone so much.  I search for him all the time – I really feel like I do.  And tonight, I feel broken.  Just broken.  That’s the only word that I know.  I go through my days, and I have two identities.  I am Kristie, the Geico employee.  Then, at 3:30 – I turn into Kristie, the momma.  I have lost Kristie, the girl that Shaun loved.  I don’t know where she went.  I miss her, too.  I feel like not only, did I lose Shaun,  I lost a part of me.  And I don’t know where she went – and no matter how hard I try – I can’t find her.  A big chunk of my happiness is gone.  I just want it back.  That’s all.  So, I am gonna cry my eyes out – and see if that helps.  And then I am going to go to bed.  And call tomorrow a new day.  And maybe, just maybe, she will show up tomorrow.  I can always hope, right?

Today it has been four months since Shaun died.  There are 100’s of different things I could write about.  But I really don’t feel like.  All I feel like doing, is just going to bed.  And then, I will wake up – and this day too will have passed.  So, keep me in your prayers.  Good night.

Tonight, we had a bonfire with my Lifegroup.  And we put on a notecard, the things that we wanted to let go.  Things that we wanted to rid ourselves of so that we can move forward with God’s plan for our lives.  And, I had a list.  A big one.  And seeing that box  – in the middle of a fire – going up in flames – was powerful.  And you could really feel the presence of God there.  And it was great to let those things go.  Not just let them go – but really acknowledge them.  And then release them. I have had so many feelings and questions since Shaun died.  And I never wanted to acknowledge them.  I want him home in the worse way ever.  But I realize that he is the one who is home, I’m not.  I have a lot of fear.  Fear that something could happen to one of my kids, my friends, my family.  And it scares me.  A ridiculous amount.  I want to keep everyone close and safe.  And I realize that Shaun was home, and safe – and there was nothing I could do – which makes me feel helpless in a way.  To acknowledge my insane amount of fear and to let it go – or at least acknowledge it – felt like a step in the right direction.  Acknowledgement is a powerful thing, I believe.  I recommend it.  I really do.  So, I wanna say thanks to Lifepoint – for producing the Living the Dream series.  I want to live mine.

Those two words always seemed weird to me.  I always got them confused.  And to be honest, I looked them up tonight – and the definition for empathy isn’t clear at all.  I know what it means and all – but it really isn’t a true definition.  Tonight, one of my friends from elementary, middle, and high school, lost his wife today from pancreatic cancer.  And my heart literally hurts for  him.  His two little girls.  Like, I feel nauseous – and pained deep to my core.  I know how sad and empty he feels right now.  And I know that nothing that I can say or do can help.  So I pray.  Because that’s all that I am capable of doing.  I know that right now they are all in pain.  Can I empathize?  Yes, No, Maybe?  I don’t know what it is like to lose your wife.  To be left as a single father.  I know on the wife’s side, but not a husband’s.

I also can’t imagine to watch your loved one die overtime.  He doesn’t know what it is like to lose them in an instant with no warning.  And in my mind, they are both equally horrible.  I guess I feel like I am not necessarily sympathetic or empathetic.  I am hurt.  Deep down.  On a human level – on a sister in Christ way.  And it breaks my heart.  I hope Shaun introduces himself to her.  And I am so thankful she is no longer in pain.  Just pray for my friend.  They are gonna have a long road of healing ahead – and as I know – It is a really bumpy one.