I went to Westminster last night, for Nats birthday bash.  And, besides the horrible DC traffic, we had a blast.  The kids had such a great time playing together, hanging out – and I love hanging out with Megan – such a sweet lady.  It was weird when we got into town though.  I have been there a few times.  All with Shaun.  And he pointed out every little spot along the way.  So it was kinda gut wrenching when we got into town.  But, then –  once I got to Megan’s – I felt right at home.  Like that was my family.  And, fact of the matter is – they are.  We have become close through a horrible tragedy.  And I wish that wasn’t the way we became close – but I am so glad we did.

And I know that Shaun was happy I was there.  Happy that we were all laughing and talking – looking at Natalie’s baby pictures and comparing them to Jacoby.  Knowing that there are two halves of Shaun walking around.  And when I looked at Natalie holding Jacoby – It was Shaun.  Those two little halves – made up the whole Shaun to me.  And I felt warm all over.  And proud.  And their little minds don’t understand all this.  And I am glad they don’t.  They just know that they love each other – and that’s fine for me.

Then today, Megan and I took the kids to Cranberry Mall.  We walked around the Ravens store – and some sports store with a really weird name.  Getting some great Christmas present ideas for the kiddies.  And Megan and I laughed and talked – and I felt like I have known her forever.  It’s weird how you can connect with someone in such a sad time.  But, we have.  And she’s a blast.  Her husband is great – I just love them.  So my trip was a fantastic success.  I had a blast.  I am exhausted, but happy.  So thanks for the thoughts and prayers – they all worked!  God is good to me. 🙂

Tonight I am going to see Natalie – Shaun’s daughter.  I am so excited to share her birthday party with her.  Pray that we have a safe trip, and a great time!  Love you guys!

So I am sitting in Ulta waiting to get my hair did. Yes. I said did. But here is the most amazing thing. One of the women here remembered Shaun. She remembered him from when he brought sweet Bella here for a haircut. And I get the question, “How’s your husband- he just loves you so much- I feel like I know you from all he talked about you. We haven’t seen him for a long time… You tell him to come back in here!”  And I had to tell her he died. I felt so sorry for her. She sat down in shock. I hugged her, and I felt so sad. She hadn’t known. You could tell that she felt horrible for asking. But when she asked about him, she gave me the biggest gift ever. She, a stranger to me, told me how much my husband loved me. Because he told her. He told her such sweet stories about me. Things I didn’t even think he noticed. And now I know he did. So maybe, today when I got a hair up my hiny to redo my do’,  it was for this. Because I got another affirmation that what Shaun and I have is special. And death can’t change that. He took my heart, well, I  gave it to him. And he always gets to keep it. I love you baby. Heart and Soul. 

So, there are times when I laugh.  Loudly.  And dance.  On June 23, 2011 – I felt like I would never laugh again.  There are still moments where I don’t feel like I will – but then – shockingly, I do.  No matter what I am doing, what I am saying, what I am thinking – the loss I suffered is always with me.  I look at my arm and there he is.  I could never love another  human the way I loved that man.  So, my answer to the question, “Are you okay?”  Is no.  No, I am not okay.  I have learned to find pleasure in the simple things.  Live each minute to the fullest.  Try hard not to get annoyed – it will all pass, and will seem silly later.  I will try things I never thought I would.  I will laugh.  I am determined to laugh and smile more than I cry each day.

But I know that the hole left by Shaun will never be filled.  Not ever.  And I don’t want it to be.  I want that ache, that pain.  Because for one, it makes me know that I am still here.  Second, I know how precious our time was – albeit way too short.  I am different now than I was 6 months ago.  I will find joy in everything that I possibly can – people, music, life, friends, family, the list goes on.  Because that’s just it.  That’s all that there is to our short time here.  I will praise God for all he has done for me, and long for the day that I get to be with him and Shaun.  But, while God wants me here  – I will do what he wants.  And I will be happy.  But just because I am happy, I still have a lot of pain.  I miss him.  He was my best friend, my everything.  So once again, I’m not okay, but I am surviving.

I am so needy.  Freakishly needy.  It’s a fault – and I know it.  But, God provides.  Angels seem to show up in many different shapes and sizes, and all throughout your day – even your life.  And what I am referencing here is the angels here on earth.  People with whom you cross paths everyday, and might not think about them that way.  But tonight, that’s what I was thinking about.  Because, I have an amazing angel up in heaven – I know he’s there.  He’s big, beautiful, and bald.  (My 3 B’s!)  And he is looking down on me and helping me have the strength to do what I need to.  I remember his love while he was here on earth – and I will remember it until I die.  But through the grace of God – I will get to experience it for eternity.
So, I am going to talk about a few angels in my life today.  People who act ordinary, but do things that help your day go on – and you smile.  And, I am going to name them by name – well, the ones I can.. Just for dramatic purposes… (I wish I could insert a really cool movie clip right here… so hum one in your head so you can get where I am going with this in mine…. hee  hee).
1.  The WaWa Coffee lady – I love coffee… she makes it everyday – and she says, “Good morning honey – off to work?”  Every single day.  Same thing.  And I love the monotony of it.  It gets me where I am going, with a smile on my face.
2.  Lori —  smiling at me everyday I come in – and telling me something funny every morning.  This girl is one interesting lady.
3.  IT people – my computer acts nuts – dude fixed it.  He might not have been thrilled about it, but nonetheless, he fixed it.  So on with my day.
4.  Tanya – if you knew this lady – well, enough said.  She keeps in stitches all day.  She is quite funny.  A firecracker that one.
5.  Kerry – she has a fake phone voice when on the phone – and it cracks me up.  And I laugh at her for it and she then cracks up.  She is also feisty.  You wouldn’t know it to look at her… but she is.  And has such a sweet heart.  Deep down.
6.  Mike – who I throw paper wads at.  He let’s me.  So – well, that’s good enough for me.
7. Check out girl at lunch – she always tells me “$1000” when she rings me up.  I’m glad it’s not really$1000.00 – or I’d be starving!
8. Bill D. – manager of a body shop.  I’ve been working with him.  I messed up and he helped me fix it.  And it’s not the first time.  And he’s never mad about it.  And he’s funny.  (There is a pattern here with the funny thing…)
9. Dan – One of my supervisors.  Brilliant.  Can tell him anything. Never gets mad.  He will do anything to help, and give you a route to do it with if he can’t himself.  What anyone in management should do.
10. Lenora – she loves my babies while I am working.  She loves them so much.  And I love her for that.  Nothing better than know that they are safe and loved.
11. Krissie,  Jacqueline, and lady Belcastros – my others.  Part of me.  Were there through everything and still are 100%.  I can be me with them – all times – no matter what.
12. Kellie – she let me vent.  I needed it.
13. Jenn-she lifted my heart when I was trying to lift hers.
14. My kids – always here.  Loving me always.  Just like Shaun did.

And that’s just my list from today.  And I probably left a few out.  But how blessed to have people in your life that makes you smile, makes your life easier and happier. I am grateful.  I am grateful that I see it now.  And I want everyone of these folks to know, that I am a better person for knowing you.  And who knows… I might get to meet a few more “earthly angels” tomorrow.  Thanks guys.  Thanks for a good day.  And thank you God, for blessing me so much!

Don’t let it slip away!  I have had that U2 song in my head all day.  And why,  you ask?(You might not have – but in my head you did)  Well here’s why.  Because it is.  It was gorgeous outside.  I got to hear a fabulous sermon at church.  I had a fantastic lunch.  The Ravens stomped Pittsburg.  I went to my new Lifegroup at Church for the “Living the Dream” series.  And then I got to hang out with a couple friends and my fantastic kids this afternoon.  What could be better?  Not a whole lot.

I cried when the Raven’s scored their first and second touchdown. I knew that Shaun would be so excited.  Jumping – Screaming – talking about how he “knew that’s how it would go down..” And so on and so forth.  And I was fantastically proud of those guys today.  I wanted the Ravens to win so bad.  And I felt like Shaun was screaming and cheering them to a victory.  That win was for Shaun.  In my heart of hearts I feel it.

Then I got to go to my life group.  And well, a lot was said – a lot was discussed, and I have a lot to think about.  But I know this.  I have a room of people there, that I can say anything too.  And I know they have my back and are there to support me.  For that I am thankful – and I will be there for them.  Because God didn’t make us to do small stuff.  He made us for greatness.  So, greatness is what I want to excel to.  I have a lot of things to think about, pray about, and consider.  But I know I have people to help.  I am not in this alone.  I’m not.  And I know that by making the right decisions, I will be making the right decisions for my kids.  So pray for me.  I said before in a previous post, that something was a brewin’.  Now I know it is for sure.  So, some may say I am a dreamer.  They are right.  But – I am going to Live the Dream, whether it’s comfortable or not.

You ever sit back and wonder what would have happened if you changed once instant in your life?  I thought about that today.  What would have happened if I hadn’t dressed up the night I went to UNOs?  Would Shaun and I have even talked?  What would have happened if I hadn’t joined the Air Force? Would I have Tariq and Bella?  What would have happened if I went 95 home today, instead of Route 1?  Would I have just gotten home quicker?  I don’t know.  I think it’s interesting to think about all the little decisions we make everyday – and don’t think about how they might affect us in the future.  I know I don’t.  Or didn’t.

I am thankful for the decisions I made. Some could have probably been better, but nonetheless, they got me where I am today.  I can’t say enough times, how thankful I am to have been completely and madly in love – and to have had that love returned.  I feel complete.  I will always have that, and no one can ever take that from me.  I also can’t say enough, how thankful I am that I know where Shaun is – I can’t imagine the pain of people who don’t know.  Although I hurt, a lot, I had that.  I have that, I guess I should say.  I have every moment, every kiss, every instant.  And it all started from those tiny little insignificant moments.

So, try.  Throughout this week, try to be thankful for lines in the grocery store.  Traffic.  Problems at work. Because, it could just be that.  But, It also could be so much more than you ever imagined.

So, It’s my birthday.  All day long.  And to be honest – I have had a relatively good day…  And I really didn’t think I would.  The sun came out today – and I hadn’t seen that for quite some time.  And it made me smile… I felt like it was Shaun smiling down on me saying, “I love you.. and Happy Birthday.”  I have great friends.  Great family.  And I am completely blessed.  I have known love like few have.  And God has blessed me with another year of life.  Completely.  I don’t know what this coming year holds.  But I will embrace every single minute.  I will make sure that I live with no regrets.  And I will smile – because I am blessed.  And I will smile, because I am loved.  So tonight’s post is short.  It’s a thank you.  Thank you God for saving me.  Thank you family for being there.  Thank you friends for being there – even when you didn’t have to be.

So, a really wise friend of mine tonight, told me – “I wish you could be happy – I bet you hadn’t thought of that.”  And we laughed.  Obviously, what was I thinking!?  I mean, I would feel better if I was happy, right?  Of Course!  But I know where their heart was, and I love them for that.  But here is the thing.  I am sad.  I guess part of me always will be.  But tonight, I will go bed to happy no matter what.  Mainly, because I have so much to be thankful for.  So tonight I am going to list my blessings….  maybe you can find a few, too.

1.  My husband is a Christian.  I get to spend eternity with him
2.  I have 3 gorgeous, smart, and healthy children.
3.  I have a roof over my head, and food in my pantry.
4.  I am typing on a computer.  How many people in this world would love to have running water, no less – a computer?!?
5.  I have running water. (That was an afterthought to the previous.)
6.  I have a friend, who knows me so well, that she brought me the most fantastic pair of shoes to my work today – because she was so excited to give them to me.  And they are fantastic.  And I love them.
7.  My friends from work, surprised me with a  birthday lunch, and bought me flowers. Not just any flowers… Pink ones. They also got me a hilarious card, about shoes, (refer to previous point.).
8.  I own numerous pairs of fabulous shoes.
9.  I am able to read and write.  I am thankful for that.  So many can’t.
10.I have a car that gets me to and from work.
11.I have a job.
12.I have crackle nail polish and tattoos.  I like them all.
13.I have friends I can call anytime day or night – and they will be here.  Not many people have that.
14.My kids love me.  A lot.
15. My church is fabulous.  They gave me my number one.

These are in no particular order, well – with the exception of number one.  And that’s just a few.  I have many more.  So tonight, I will go to bed with a smile.  Because I am blessed.  Have I experienced excruciating heartbreak?  Yes.  Have I been loved in an unimaginable way? Yes.  I know I will cry tomorrow.  I know I will be sad.  But, I also know, I am fortunate.
So, I’m lucky.  Blessed. And Hopeful.  C’mon 34… It’s gonna be a good year.  I am going to make it that way… Cause with a list like that – it should be pretty easy.

And Shaun, If you can read blogs up in heaven – you helped me achieve all of those… but most important is my Number one.  I can’t wait to see you baby.  I love you so much.  So very much.