Okay, yesterday was a bad day.  All around in different ways.  So I am not going to dwell on it – go into an explanation of it – cause it’s over.  And well, there really is no explanation – which in turn would end up as a mindless rant.  So I will move on.
As some of you know, I had a weird experience the day I scattered Shaun’s ashes.  If you haven’t read it – It was August 6th.  And well, one of the ladies that prayed with me told me to paint.  Weird if you know me at all. I am not artistic.  Not in the slightest.  At all.  But whatever – why not, right?  The next day I bought stuff to paint with. And it has sat until last night.  I started it last night because I was distraught.  And I finished it tonight.  Now, just so you know – what you are about to see might shock you.  Because I am still not a painter!  So don’t be scared.  But, here’s something I figured out in this process. It made me nervous because I know I am not a gifted artist. And frankly, I felt kinda dumb. It isn’t for anyone but me.  It doesn’t have to be perfect.  It just needs to be real.  And it is real.  It’s me.  It’s what was in me.  And it’s out on a canvas. Which, is kinda cool.  Not pretty – not perfect – but bright and true.  So maybe that’s why I needed to do it.   And I might keep on…  Creating pictures that will make art critics cringe, and artists hang their heads in shame.  But I think I am gonna smile everytime I look at one.  And you know what Shaun would say?  “Baby, it’s beautifuLL…”  Because, that’s the kinda guy he was.  (Yes he was the type of man to praise me when I didn’t deserve it – and I still love him for it.  🙂

So, tonight is better.  Not great.  But maybe I have a way to help myself in a way – if I get to the point where I can’t put my feelings in words like I did last night.

It’s been a rough night.  It’s been a weird night.  Just pray for me.  I need it tonight.

So, what I am saying is this… you can’t judge a book by it’s cover.  Clever, right?  I think the word idiom is a funny word – and it means – as defined by Webster (and you all know I love my definitions) – is this:

“an expression whose meaning is not predictable from the usual meanings of its constituent elements, as kick the bucket  or hang one’s head,  or from the general grammatical rules of a language, as the table round  for the round table,  and that is not a constituent of a larger expression of like characteristics.”

So, what that says is this – a group of words that really mean nothing in comparison to what they say.  Wow.  Do you know anyone like that?  Who says one thing, but does something different.  And is it ironic, that the word idiot is so close to the word idiom?  That made me chuckle.  And that’s for free… 


But what I have been thinking about today, is that you can’t judge a book by it’s cover.  You can’t look at a human, and base what they are –  who they are – on their exterior.  I mean, really.  Do you want people judging you based on your outward appearance?  Maybe your outward actions?  Have you ever had a poor moment – where your hairs all jacked, your make up is running, and you forget to put on deodarant, and you feel like Satan wants his weather back – since it’s so hot?  Or how bout the time you freaked out in the car because you got cut off?  I am sure, that most people have had those moments, and wouldn’t want people making judgement calls about us based of them.


But I heard something at work today, and it kinda hurt my feelings.  Two ladies were outside smoking, and they were talking about a young man standing outside.  Out of his earshot, but within mine.  And they were talking about him because he had gauges in his ears, mega tattoos, and he didn’t fit their description of “normal”.  So I talked to the kid – and he was a kid – 22.  And they thought they were out of earshot.  Guess what.  Not so much.  And he was so sweet.  Passionate about life.  Had been through a lot – but had a beautiful heart.  I invited him to church – and here was his response – “I always wanted to go to church, but no churches want me.  They judge me like those two.”  So, I told him all about lifepoint and that we love him.  I told him about Shaun, showed him my tattoo.  Showed him videos on my phone ( gotta love an iphone) – and he said, “I wouldn’t feel weird?”  My response – “Only if it makes you feel weird for people to love you and love that you are there.”  He took my phone number, email, and said he would come.  And he will.


Then I think about Shaun.  He was nervous as to what people would think of him walking into church.  This huge man.  Tattoos.  Ears pierced.  Bald.  Kinda looked mean.  And he went in with defenses high.  But everyone tore those down. And what in turn happened?  He got saved.  He became on Fire for God.  He changed my life.  He changed the kids life.  Had we made horrible mistakes?  Of course.  But God has forgiven us.  So, if God can forgive us, and love us, no matter what – who are we to judge? To help build up over brothers and sisters, and get them home? Aren’t we here to love and provide support?  Make sure you do that.  I have had too many people judge me in my life – people that I felt somewhat close to.  I’ve been called names.  And at one point it hurt me.  Now it doesn’t.  Now I feel sadness towards them.  Because, how sad it has to be – to feel that way.  

I can’t ever say thank you enough, to all the people who loved on my Shaun.  Who made him feel welcome.  Who loved him beyond his rough exterior.  Who brought out the side I always saw, to where others could see it too.  Just remember, when you look at someone, you never know why they are the way they are  – why they act the way they act – why they look the way they look.  And if something about it bothers you – pray about it.  And love them anyway.

Shaun, this parts for you.  I miss you.  I would give anything to have a “Shaun Pep Talk” right now.  But thank you for continuing to show me things everyday.  For little notes you hid and never gave me.  I still feel like you are talking to me sometimes.  I cry every hour I would say – but I smile thinking about you a lot more often.  You are my heart – and I love you so much.

Once again, a night of writer’s block.  Had no idea of what to write.  And then here comes God’s message to me in the midst of a thunderstorm.  And I have never had a better one, never.  If you look at my facebook page, we had a ferocious storm tonight.  It was sunny out… and then freakishly black clouds.  If you know me well, thunderstorms freak me out.  I have been known to hide in neighbors basements.  And here comes the first scary storm since Shaun died.  Great.  Fantastic even.  And it was a miraculous day.  So I didn’t want it to be tainted by a storm that scares me – but it seemed inevitable.
Today at church, we had a mass baptism.  It was powerful.  Moving.  I cried like I never had before.  I saw two dear friends of mine, go forward and be baptized.  They were on Shaun’s bowling league.  He LOVED these guys.  Heart and Soul.  And he would be so happy to know that they were in church.  And he would be so happy to know that he’s gonna get to “bowl” with them in heaven.  And today he rejoiced, along with a bunch of other people, because they made decisions.  And I knew where the wife’s heart was – for awhile.  But I worried and prayed for the husband.  And today, I hugged him and cried uncontrollably, because I know that today – we will all be together in heaven.  And as I hugged him, I felt Shaun hugging us both.  I know that we will be together forever.  And my friends turned into my siblings.  And it’s a powerful feeling to see and feel that.  But that’s not all….
Me and the kids are watching Disney tonight.  The storm is coming, and it’s scary looking outside.  I am talking to them about the baptisms and what they meant.  Isabella is talking about the “rapture” (which is funny coming from an 8 year old – but awesome.)  But, I decide to eat ice cream.  Me and the kids.  It’s storming.  I hate storms.  I love ice cream and my kids.  I thought it might balance out the ickiness of the storm.  I get the ice cream out and my doorbell rings.  I think it’s my neighbor.  It’s not.  It’s a woman I know from a few years back.  And she is standing on my doorstep in a torrential downpour.  And she tells me, and I cry as I type this, that her daughter made a public profession of faith today.  That they went to Lifepoint – due to my video and posts, and others they know there.  And she felt led to let me know tonight that because of everything – they ended up there this morning.  And their lives are forever changed.  I cried and stood there with my mouth agape.  And hugged her.  She was the most gorgeous sight I think I have ever seen.  I don’t know if she will ever know, what she did for me tonight in the middle of a storm.  But she was a rainbow in a scary moment.  And wow – How many scary moments have I been through and they all have rainbows.  I am so blessed.  So lucky.  And so thankful for the expansion of God’s kingdom.  I am glad that Shaun is a big muscular man.  Because he is gonna have to work fast.  Cause we got alotta people gonna show up – so get ready.  Heart and Soul.

I really love my husband.  I know he’s no longer here, but I love him so much.  Today I took the kids to Wal-Mart for school supplies.  Not only did it cost me $98.00 and I did not deviate from the list (with the exception of marshmallows, vegetable oil, hershey bar 6 pack, and graham crackers.)  But I realized I abhor school shopping.  Shaun did always did it.  And never complained.  Well, I am not Shaun, and I did it – but I did complain – as I am now.  But anyway, I digress.  He did these little things just to help out and I love him for it. 
But here’s a neat thing.  I have great friends.  Amazing even.  But today, Jacqueline flew to Atlanta leaving me with a weird level of anxiety.  I don’t know what it is. I am psychotically co-dependent on the woman. She is a huge level of comfort for me.  I can go to her with anything at all – stupid or not – and she never thinks it is.  And if she does, she doesn’t say so.  I know I can call her all hours of the night, she will answer, and if I need her, she will come.  I haven’t called her at all hours of the night, but I’m just saying, if I had to, there she would be.
I have another friend Krissie who is the same.  But a few months ago she moved to DC for her job.  I hated it and I still do.  She was known as the “sister wife” of me and Shaun.  We all three hung out together, went to church together, went to dinner together, always having kids in tow.  It was a man on man defense.  Three kids – three adults.  But we figured we looked like “Big Love” walking around, so we jokingly called her my sister wife.  She spoke at Shaun’s service, and even referenced it. 
So, tonight, Krissie came to spend the night and is going to church in the morning.  I was playing the song “Hey Soul Sister” so she could hear what made me cry…  and of course – I was crying.  I didn’t have to point out what parts.  But then I look up, and it’s pouring the rain – we are on the front porch, and there is a huge rainbow.  And it was like – wow!  And as we talked about Shaun, it got brighter.  It made me smile.  And I thought of this.  No matter how dark and rainy the sky seems, there can still be a rainbow.  And, if you focus on that tiny bit of beauty, in the middle of a storm, It just might get brighter.  And as it gets brighter, you might get to where you can’t see it anymore.  And if you can’t see it anymore, More than likely the storm is over and the sun is shining.  So, I see a rainbow.  I am gonna keep focusing on my rainbow.  And although I know it’s never gonna be, ” a balmy 75 degrees and perfect blue skies”, I can pray for the storm clouds to get smaller and be off in the distance.  And be thankful for that moment of beauty in a storm.  Cause It was a stormy day – and I got my little rainbow.

I had a hard time deciding what to write about tonight.  There are too many different ways that I could go.  But I have a heavy heart, because tonight, another beautiful person got to see the face of our Savior.  So, I want to take tonight just to remember her for a few minutes, and maybe introduce you to a fantastic lady you never got to meet.  Mom- Mom Nancy was a sweet and fantastic lady.  She was spunky, funny, could cook some awesome food, all straight from Glen Burnie, Maryland.  From the day that I bought the house beside her daughter and her family – she was open and friendly.  Always made me feel welcome, and when I had some rough times, she would come sit on my porch and talk to me. She was a great mom, wife, and grandmother.  My kids adored her, too. 
She had suffered a long and hard sickness, and I know that she is now no longer in pain.  And I would dare to bed, that Shaun was standing there waiting on her when she got to heaven.  He probably told her, “I’ve been waiting on you gorgeous.  What took you so long?”  And then envelop her a big bear hug.  Tonight my heart aches for Kelly, Pete, and the kids.  My my heart also rejoices for Nancy.  I am so happy for her tonight.  But I know what lays in store for her family.  Spontaneous crying, hours of sadness, and always the never ending questions.  I would give anything to be able to take their pain away, although I know I can’t.  So, tonight with a heavy heart, I ask all of you to send a prayer for Kelly and her family.  I know firsthand that they are going to need them.  And Mom-Mom, I hope you know how much I love you.  Take care of Shaun up there, and keep him in line… I know you will.  Till we meet again… I’ll miss you.

So, I had a rough and good day.  Started rough, well till about 6 it was rough.  Then it got better – football was on and Shaun had entered the building… LOL… But this blog is going to be shorter than most – just a thought.  Today I work I was listening to my ipod.  And I am purposely skipping songs that might make me sad.  So, I decided that I was gonna listen to “Soul Sister”, by Train.  Upbeat and happy, right?  I thought so.  Until I listened – really listened.  I could sing this song to Shaun, and he could sing it to me – and the lyrics described us to a tee.  The line that made me cry hard was this:

So, tonight was a therapeutic night.  I met a really sweet and cool guy.  He is a photographer for the Free-Lance Star here (our newspaper here in Fredericksburg).  And he came to my house tonight take some pictures for the newspaper.  And let me just tell you – what a sweet man he is.  We sat and just talked.  He let me tell him all about Shaun.  Everything.  And we talked about eternity.  The planets.  Galaxies.  How “big” we think our little world is, but how small it is in comparison.  I knew of Reza for a long time.  You see, when I started my little photography business on the side, I named it Reza Photography.  My daughter, Isabella, was going to be named Reza if she was a boy.  Unbeknown est to me, there was an amazing photographer who worked at the the newspaper with the same name.  Go figure.  I thought I was being an original with that name. Frankly, I was kinda annoyed when I saw it in the newspaper – under a gorgeous picture.  And not annoyed at him, but that I lost my own originality, or so I thought.  I can be a true nerd.  The name “Reza” is Isabella’s dad’s middle name, that’s where I got it from.  I always thought it sounded cool and powerful.
So today, I met a great man.  He made me feel 100% comfortable and at ease.  And I felt so open talking to him.  I really feel like he knew and genuinely cared about the pain I was going through.  He walked into my house tonight, as a complete (well almost complete) stranger.  And when he left, I feel like I made a lifelong friend.  And for anyone who is experiencing a loss in your life, here’s a piece of advice – at least it worked for me.  There is nothing more beautiful, more powerful, and more soothing – than telling someone about the love you lost.  Being able to describe them in detail, the way you remember, and try to paint a picture for them of who they actually were.  Because, they have no predispositions of you – not at all, and none of them.  But, my caution is this  – I was blessed to be able to a person who genuinely wanted to hear.  And was open.  He shared with me parts of his life.  So, tonight, I say thank you to Reza Marvashti.  Thank you for being awesome at what you do – and thank you for allowing me to be me.  Tonight, I will go to bed with a smile, because I know, that another person in this world, knows what an amazing man Shaun was.  And I know, he wishes he got to know him.  And, I bet – they would have been good friends.  I guess I will have to introduce them when we all get to heaven.

I just got thinking. It’s going to always be hard. I’m at work, and I had that yucky feeling come over me. I stopped and prayed. And it helped. I am thankful for my memories, but I’m mourning the fact of no memories for our future. It makes me sad. I looked through the pics on my phone. He’s adorable. Look at this. What a cheeser. I was/am so blessed by him Thought this might make someone else smile.

– Kristie blogging from her iPhone!