So, I had a great day.  I got a new car!  Woo hoo!  Today I got a Kia Soul – and I am so excited!  Shaun and I both loved those cars for me.  And now, I am a proud owner of a car with only 30 miles on it.  I have been completely blessed.  I can now travel and not worry if my car is gonna blow… Which is one fantastic feeling.  I am pretty sure – Shaun is looking down and smiling at me.  He’d be so happy.

And I went by Jacqueline’s house to show her my car – and she pointed to the name.  The “Soul”.  And she said, “That fits you – all you need is a heart before the name.  And it made me smile.  Heart and Soul.  That’s me.  Through and through.

I find that I cry and get sad at the most unexpected moments.  I want to tell everyone I meet about Shaun.  And sometimes, I laugh.  I remember good moments and smile.  Sometimes, I remember those good moments and they make me a sad.  Today I have had both.  But luckily, I have my best friend here beside me tonight, to reminisce with.  And tell stories back and forth – and we can both laugh and cry.  Thanks Krissie, you really are a rock to me – more than you will ever know.

So, if you know me – you know I love shoes.  And not just any shoes, that have to be super cool – super high – and a bit of the beaten track.  The shoes have to make the outfit.  And tonight, I have been looking for purple heels – to wear with my Ravens gear.  And although I have found a zillion pairs of purple heels – I haven’t found “the” pair.  I found another pair – which are fabulous – but still not the purple ones.  And as I am picking through these zillions of pairs of shoes online, I started laughing.  First, if you knew Shaun – he was as much of shoe hound as I am.  So he respected my love for shoes – and never complained about it – he actually encouraged it.  I am not a girl who wants flowers, candy, roses, etc.  I like shoes – so that’s what he did.
But then I could hear him in my head saying, “Pick one.  There are a ton out there.  Just Pick one.  You are being too picky.  Get one, and if you don’t like it – return it.”  And, my answer still, as it was then – is No.  I am going to wait – until I find the perfect pair of Purple pumps.  And now, It will make me laugh a little more as I search.  And I bet when I find the perfect pair – he would loved them.  That’s the way that normally went. I love you Shaun!

That’s something I never thought I would be – a single mom.  I feel like there is a such a stereotype behind it.  She’s a “single mother”….  Poor lady.  Well, I am one.  So I might as well rock it.  So many single moms don’t have it as lucky as I do.  Tariq and Isabella have one amazing father.  He loves them, cares for them, calls me to check on them – and helps anyway he can.  He visits them every chance he gets – he listens to them.  Our marriage didn’t work – but that doesn’t change that he is a very stellar, stand-up man.  A man that any parent would be proud to call their child.  And I am proud that he is their father.  He loved Shaun.  He loved that Shaun loved his children.  Who wouldn’t?  Don’t we as parents think that everyone should love our kids?  Of course.  And Shaun loved Tariq and Isabella like they were his own.  And he treated them just that way.  Once, when I was talking to Ali about it – he said, “I am their dad.  So is Shaun.  They are lucky, they got two.  Some kids don’t have any.”  And when Shaun died, he came here that day.  A twelve hour car trip.  Dropped his life, to help his kiddos and me.  I will always  appreciate that.

So today, I had the realization what the life of a single mother of three is like.  I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off since 5:45 am.  And it’s 9:20pm now, and I am still in my work clothes.  But, I went to work, got the kids to school.  Picked each child up after work, from their locations.  Got Bella to the orthodontist, Tariq to Guitar.  Went to Rite Aid to  pick up medicine for Bella’s teeth.  Picked up Tariq from guitar.  Got dinner ready.  Children fed.  All bathed.  Laundry washed – a load in the dryer.  Dishes done.  Vacuumed.  House picked up, and trash out.  All I didn’t have a chance to do was mow – and I will get that done tomorrow.  And it’s a lot.  And I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to do it.  So, tonight, I will go to bed thankful.  One, that Shaun showed me what needs to be done – and how to do it all while maintaining a cool head.  Two, that I have children that are a blessing in and of themselves.  Three, I have a God who is always there – to cool my head, if it starts getting heated or stressed.  Four, I have an amazing support system.  My friends, family, church, work – and they are all intertwined.  And Five, this is for you Ali – I am thankful for you.  Thank you for being a good dad.  Thank you for loving Jacoby like he is yours, just like Shaun loved Tariq and Bella.  ( And here is a bit of my life that I don’t normally share so much – Ali came to see the kids this weekend, and he made a buddy – Jacoby.  And he played with him, held him, and loved him.  And it made me smile.  And made Tariq and Bella smile.  And made Jacoby cackle that gorgeous baby laugh.)  And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Shaun is looking at Ali – and saying, “Thanks man, I love you bro.”  I know it sounds dysfunctional and crazy.  But hey, it works for us.

So, today = no bueno.  I fell right back into some mega pit of despair.  Yep, that would describe it.  A pit.  A big hole – with marble walls – where no matter how hard you climb – there’s nothing to grab onto -nothing to help you out.  And you feel like the bottom is sinking lower.  But then, all of a sudden – it feels like someone is lifting you out.  Kind of like pulling – but with a zillion hands that you can’t see.  And they get you out of the hole.  Which is great.  But what you know is this.  Although they all pull you out – you are teetering on the edge of that hole – and you don’t know when you are gonna fall in again.  And it’s a scary feeling.

I love him so much.  And the word is Love – not lovED. And I miss him.  And this is not where I thought my life would be at this point.  I really didn’t.  I thought I would be working, right alongside Shaun, and raising the kids.  But now, I am alone.  And it’s scary.  But that’s not the bad part.  It’s the absolute missing them.  And you can’t do anything about it.  You can’t go visit.  You can’t catch a plane.  You are here – they are there – and that’s the way it will be for an uncertain amount of time.  And then, you look forward to the day that you see them again – and that sounds morbid – because that means you are dead.  And you don’t want to be dead – because you have three amazing kids that you want to be with. 

I can’t wait to see his smile again.  My troubles disappearred when I saw it.  I can’t wait to hear him sing again.  I miss hearing it in the shower.  I can’t wait to hear him laugh, and make a silly face, like he can.  I can’t wait to see him old his kids.  I can’t wait to dance with him again – and know it will never end this time.  I can’t wait to feel his kiss again.  I know that day is coming, I’m just going to have to wait.  I bet it will be a beautiful reunion.  My goodness, I love him.  And thank goodness God is so faithful to us – when he gives and when he takes away – how can I not be faithful, too?

So tonight, I decided that I really was gonna have to cut Jacoby’s hair.  It was bad.  In the back, his little curls were all matted up because of the baby fine hair.  So I decided today to do it.  And I cried.  Because once again, there was a milestone that his daddy wasn’t here for.  And the day he died, he was going to take Jacoby for his first haircut.  I hadn’t cut it since then because of that.  But Shaun would look at me and tell me to quite being silly, and to cut his son’s hair.  And what a blessing I got when I did.  I am sure all of you mommas of little boys  know what I mean.  The second that you cut off those baby fine hairs, and you see the glimpse of the man that they are gonna be.  They go from looking like an infant, to looking like a toddler.  And I can look at my twelve year old – and wow – I remember his first haircut.  And how cute he looked after – and how he still looks the same.  And I know that the same is true for Jacoby.  And what I saw when I cut Jacoby’s hair, was well, Shaun.  The look – the shape of the eyes, the lips.  I think he is gonna be like his daddy and grandpa.  They are all gonna look the same.  And I am thankful for it.
This isn’t where I ever thought I would be.  It’s a place that I wouldn’t wish on anyone – but I am so thankful for my kids.  It’s amazing how a simple thing like a haircut can make you feel like you can move mountains.  God amazes me daily in all he does.  Just when I think I am standing on my own two feet, he shows me that he is still carrying me.

Sundays make me sad.  Today is really no different.  I look forward to Sunday mornings all week long.  And then, that’s over. And now there is football on – and Shaun and I completely did the whole football thing together.  And then when it gets this time of night, I realize another week has gone by.   And that makes me sad.  I guess, in a way, it makes me smile, that is one week closer to seeing him again.  But I still miss him so much.  I want to be positive, and have a great, life changeing thought.  But, I don’t.  I am just sad.  I miss him.  And that’s where I am at.  Sad.  I will be okay tomorrow.  I am sure of it.  I always am.  I am gonna wear some great shoes, go to work, and next thing ya know, I will be here next sunday.  God willing, that is.  Love you guys… and I don’t know where my last nights post went.  Hmmm… Let me see if I can find it. 

So, today I went tanning.  I know it’s bad – blah blah – but I like it.  And it makes me smile – because I think I must be Vitamin D deficient.  And I am not drinking milk because it makes me gag.  So, now that that’s covered, I was laying there, in total warmth – and thinking about the last time I was there at that salon.  And it was with Shaun.  (He was quite metro, and yes – he tanned.  And I love him for it.)  But, I digress.  And I was laying there – I could vividly remember us going in, taking turns, watching the kids – to get our tan on.  But, I had another memory – so I am telling you about, maybe so I don’t forget later on in life.  I remembered Shaun brushing his teeth.  I know it seems weird.  But he would always brush his teeth last, after I was already in bed.  But he would stand in the doorway and brush them.  And it felt like he brushed them a really long time, and he would talk, in a weird voice full of spit.  And I would always clown on him for it – and he would laugh.  And once he would spit – he would show his teeth, lick his lips, and give a “orbits gum” type smile.  And then I realized how much I missed that – and my heart dropped to my stomach a little.
I know he would laugh because that got me sentimental.  But he would hug me, too.  It’s such a weird place to be – to be thankful for random memories – when they also break your heart all over again.  It’s weird to be so thankful that you were madly in love, still are.  But you heart breaks every time you think about it.  I don’t believe that this is the way it’s meant to be.  And it’s hard trying to get through it.

Isn’t it fantastic, every morning when we wake up that we have a new start.  A fresh beginning.  A way to start all over and new.  And we might carry some things from yesterday into tomorrow – but it is still a new beginning.  I am going to try to quit complaining about having to get up so early and going to bed so late.  Because, everyday is new – and everyday I am still here.  So everyday, I can be thankful.  I miss my Shaun so very much it hurts.  But, I also know – there isn’t one thing that I would have changed between us.  We were quite happy.  And I can still be happy – because I was blessed to have him.

Sweet memories are everywhere.  Everywhere in this house – through friends, the computer, the phone – everywhere.  And tonight I am thankful for sweet memories.  Memories that will cause me to never forget. Thankful that Shaun was such a powerful presence, that everyone remembers clearly their moments with him.  I talked to an old friend tonight, who knew Shaun.  And we laughed.  We talked about times past, and they made me smile.  I was so loved.  So dearly cherished by that man.  It’s scary walking through this life without him by my side.  But I know that he is always there.  I have his little boy.  And he will carry on the memory of his daddy and make him proud.  I have two sweet kids who adored him.  And those kids will always remember how much they were loved by him.  We will keep his spirit alive.  God blesses us with such complex brains – and so much of them we don’t use.  But it’s neat, how a song – someone – a smell, whatever – can stimulate a memory that   you thought was long forgotten.