Well, there are a lot of answers to this question.  But today, I found a paper.  An essay Shaun had written.  If you don’t know, he had a drive to become a  pastor.  Anyway, this is what he was addressing – and it’s weird, because my sister and I were discussing this just last night.   So Cassie, Shaun agrees – just so you know.  But, we were talking about churches.  Religion.  Faith.  God’s Calling.  Yup, me and Cassie can get pretty deep.  But this is something that I found at my church home, that I don’t think is the norm.  Acceptance.  If you believe in God, then you believe he is the creator.  If you believe in God, you believe that he put everything on this planet.  So, in turn, God created every, single solitary person.  And he loves them.  So, that person that you think is trashy, or arrogant, or rude – God loves them just as much as he loves you.  The “tattooed freak with gauges” – God loves them.  And we, as Christians, often are the world’s worst at casting judgement.  God made everyone of us unique – and isn’t is amazing that he did?  If it wasn’t for our uniqueness – wow, our world would be boring.  And is a church service a new country club? (I stole that from Shaun’s essay).  But wow it’s true.  Why aren’t we in the trenches – asking everyone that we know to go.  Sharing.  Letting them know our beliefs.  Letting them know that we aren’t perfect, we aren’t worthy, but we are saved.  We are human – all of us.  We have all made mistakes – all of us.  And why do people judge the wrapper of a person?  Here is a morbid thought – if the outside is different, what if you burnt you and them both – flesh gone – could you identify who is who?  So here is a quote that I am gonna end this with – and I hope it makes you think as much as it did me.

“The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians.  Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, and walk out the door in denial by their lifestyle.  That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelieveable.”

I will make mistakes.  I am not perfect.  But I will be kind, accepting, and a place for people to come for comfort.  I might not can change the world.  But I can sure try, one heart at a time.  And I bet this – they will help me more than I do them.  As Christians, we need to get a backbone.  Stick up for God, Jesus, your co-workers, friends, and strangers.  Black, white, or red.  We are all the same, on the inside. Love you Shaun, you are still making me think.

Okay, so I had little bitty baby blogs the past two days.  But I was quite the busy girl – and I am still a busy girl, but – I got a little more time now.  First, I just want to say thank you for everyone’s support and help through the past three months.  Without you – I couldn’t have made it.  Not for a second.  And thank you for reading my blog and giving me such positive feedback.  That has also helped me a ton.  But in my life group, we have been talking about honor.  And I want to thank you all – because you have made me feel honored.  I have so many positive people in my life, it’s hard not to be positive in return.

I also want to give a bit of advice.  Honor your spouse.  Your husband or wife is the most important person in your world.  They are your life partner.  Shaun always made me feel first in the human realm.  I did my best to make sure he felt like he was first.  The difference that can make in a marriage is undeniable.  Try not to scream.  Screaming is bad.  I am a screamer.  But try not too… you will feel better.  I promise. (As Pastor Daniel says, that was for free.)

And here is another epiphany I had – once again, in my life group.  You know, how in the Bible, it always says to fear God?  I don’t think it’s meant as the whole hellfire and brimstone that we often associate it with.  But here was my comparison.  And yes, it’s related to football – (which my husband would greatly respect.)  When the Ravens played the Steelers – I was nervous.  Afraid.  I wanted to win.  And the reason that I was nervous and afraid, was because I know what a skilled team they are.  I mean, I walk around talking about how they suck – and their fans are dumb – etc.  But fact of the matter is – they are good – and there is a high chance that we could lose against them.  (Stick with me here.)  So here is my thought on fearing God.  I fear him out of honor, love, and adoration.  He is something that I can’t compare myself to.  His love is infinite, his grace – well, you know.  And someone that is so perfect is intimidating.  Because no matter what you do, you will never even compare.  And it’s awesome.  And I’m thankful.

So, here is where I am at today.  A child saved.  A widow that will get to see the love of her life again – and not only that, spend eternity with him.   God is with me – so nothing of this earth will ever get me down, not for long anyway.  Because I am blessed.  Beyond belief.  Isn’t everyone?  You just have to see it.  Love you all.

So, I have been busting my butt for the past two days.  And I am so glad I did.  My Raven’s room is quite fantastic!  I still have a long ways to go – but I see mega progress.  I am so thankful to you Krissie – for all your help!

Shaun would love this room.  So much.  I will blog a real blog tomorrow – trust – I have a lot to say from this weekend, but for tonight – I am gonna get some sleep.  Love you guys!

Tonight we are making a Raven’s Room !  I am covered in paint, hot and tired.  But – pictures are soon to come.  Got some great friends helping me make this happen!  Love you guys!

It has definitely been three months today – not four.  But it all still remains the same.  That being said, I had a relatively good day.  Only cried a handful of times.  And tonight, I went to dinner with my amazing and beautiful friend Jacqueline, and her family, in celebration of her son Ian’s birthday.  So, on a day that was kind of dark and sad for me – there was a little rainbow named Ian.  And eight years ago today, an amazing little man was born.  A carefree, witty, talented artist, enthusiastic, caring little boy.  A little boy who has hugged me so sincerely when Shaun died – that kind of hug that only a child can give.  The type of hug, where they are really trying to heal your heart – and take all the pain away.  A little boy, who isn’t stifled by the main stream – he marches to beat of a different drummer, and it’s the most beautiful song I have ever heard.

So, tonight, I believe that Shaun was looking down celebrating with us.  Thankful for that little boy’s hug.  Thankful for the love that him and Isabella share as best buddies.  Thankful for the love and friendship – the siamese relationship of Jacqueline and I.  And I’m sure that he was happy, that once again on a day that I felt sad – this little boy caused me a great deal of joy – and all he had to do was enter the world eight years ago today.  No one knew, the day he was born – myself included – that he would make me smile so much.  I strive to be more like that child.  He’s taught me a great deal.  So tonight, I want to say thank you to Ian Covert – because on your birthday – you gave me one spectacular present.  You gave me you.  I love you – just like you are my own.  Happy 8th birthday to one amazing person.  May God Bless you – and all who know you – by giving you many more.

Tomorrow it will be four months.  I don’t know how.  It definitely doesn’t seem possible – not even plausible.  That was the worst day of my life.  The reality of how four months ago, right now – I was happy.  My life was perfect.  Almost textbook perfect.  And within hours from this instant – it would be rocked to the core.  I had smiled at people a billion zillion times – but the second I met Shaun, my heart took over and smiled for the first time.  And here’s the thing…  the smiles that I make now – are still Shaun. Through his life, and also his death, he taught me what it is to cherish a moment.  Listen, laugh, love, have fun, wear weird shoes – live your dream.  Dance if you want to.  Listen to weird music that everyone makes fun of.  Do headstands.  Love like you can’t love any harder.  Make sure everyone knows how much you care about them.  Be the difference in someone’s life that day.  Don’t be mean.  Not that I am perfect on any of those – but at least now I try, but with Shaun – I didn’t have to try.  It came naturally to me.  I wanted to make him feel loved – and wanted to make me feel loved.  And it worked.  It was us.  Always will be.
I’ve looked through some pictures, and I haven’t really posted many on here – but the ones down the side, I can still feel myself in those moments.  That’s why they are there.  But, there isn’t room for them all – so I am going to share a few – that, well, I haven’t.  I hope you see a glimpse of the man that I love and adore – with all of my heart.  And, tonight, I want to thank God for giving him to me for the short time he did.  Because my life is better for it.  God has given me so many gifts – that I don’t deserve.  And I am thankful for every single one – and he is the one who has carried me through this – and he still is.

Tonight I was going through videos on my iPhone, because I filmed one of Jacoby today.  It just stemmed me to start looking at them.  And then I found a couple videos that I had saved that Shaun had sent me.  Shaun is filming the whole time, but you can hear him talking.  One of the videos, is of Jacoby, walking all by himself in Wal-Mart.  It was right when Jacoby first started walking, and so, to us – it was quite a big deal.  At the end – Shaun says into the speaker, “I love you, baby.”  Well, I looked at my phone and started straight ugly crying.  Picture it – Kids run in all directions – Tariq runs to hug me – Bellla sprints upstairs to get the Kleenex’s, and Jacoby just sits at my feet and holds my big toe. (I don’t know why he does that – but he does it every time I cry.  I think it’s sweet.  Almost like that is the only part of me that he can completely hold in his little hand – so that’s what he does.)  They all ask me the normal, “Are you okay?  I’m so sorry… etc.”  But what I told them was this.  It wasn’t just that I miss Shaun as to why I was  crying.  Time goes so quickly.  It seems like yesterday, Shaun was here, we were laughing and kissing – talking about Jacoby’s future and his first “football themed” party.  What Happened?  I still sit in shock and disbelief most nights.  Nights are the worst.  Nighttime is when you feel completely alone.  Nighttime is when you realize that everyone is either asleep, or snuggled up with their loved ones, getting ready for bed – and you are alone.  Nighttime is hard.  I wonder if I will ever have another good night.

I am blessed, I know.  But sometimes, I still get sad.  Sad for myself – sad for my kids – sad for a lot.  I guess it’s been a little bit of a sad night.

So, tonight, I changed a light fixture.  Changing a light fixture is a two man job.  I truly believe that.  But, I did it by myself.  Now don’t get me wrong, Tariq was shining a light, handing me a screwdriver, and running back and forth – he helped a lot.  And I did text a picture of my wires and stuff to a friend of mine, and they told me what to do from there.  But, the physical labor of it all – that was this girl.  And here is another newsflash – if you are doing “Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred”, and you are only on day 2 – your arms hurt.  Might not be the best day to change a light fixture over your head.  I think I must have felt like Moses carrying the ten commandments.  That was a workout.

But I think Shaun would have been proud.  He did that stuff for me.  Well, let’s be honest, he did everything for me.  But I learned something about myself tonight, and that stinking light fixture.  First, you can really do anything you set your mind to.  Second, don’t be afraid to ask for help – most folks are glad to do so.  Third, don’t be afraid to be the helper.  My twelve year old helped me a ton.  If he wasn’t there, it would have made my job a lot harder, a lot more climbing up and down, and a lot more frustration.  There is nothing wrong with being “subservient” to someone.   Especially if they appreciate it.  I am going to try to remember that when I am doing what I consider a “menial” task.  I want to do it with heart like Tariq’s was.  Eager to help, ready to do whatever I ask, and he did it because he loves me and wanted to help me.  I have one amazing kid..(well, three, but you get what I am saying.)

So tonight, I made a point a to hug him a little harder, tell him how much I love him, and how much it meant to me that he helped.  He looked at me and laughed.  Then he said, “Apparently, you didn’t listen to Pastor Daniel’s message on Sunday.  You missed a piece.”  And sure enough I had.  My pastor made an analogy on Sunday, about when you put furniture together, etc. you need all the pieces.   It’s never good if you have some extra laying around.  It was just an end piece and an easy fix.  Then he looked at me – kissed me – and said, “I am so proud of you momma.  I knew you could do it.”  I told him that I couldn’t have done it without him.  He said, “You could have, it just wouldn’t have been as much fun.”  And he’s right.  And he had fun, just by helping.  I love that kid – I have been blessed.  And boy, I think tonight Shaun is looking down on both of us smiling.

So, I was completely distracted today.  Have you ever had one of those days?  Where you try to focus, and to save your neck – you just can’t.  I kept getting lost in my  papers, doing one thing and forgetting why I was doing it.  Completely frustrating.  But I had a zillion thoughts running through my head.  Good thoughts, don’t get me wrong, but thoughts nonetheless.  And tonight, I was thinking about what I was gonna blog about – I got distracted.  Go figure.  So I took that as a sign to go for this topic.

What makes us distracted?  ADD does.  I know that one.  But I don’t have ADD.  But boy, Shaun did – big time. And you know how he handled his ADD?  Notes.  Notes everywhere.  He had a hindrance, something that he struggled with daily, and he found a way to make it work in his life.  His “disability” turned into one of his best character traits.  He didn’t put off much.  If he knew something needed to be done – he did it right then, for fear he would get distracted.  If it was impossible for him to do at the moment – he would send himself an email, write a note, or text it to me – so he could see it later.  He was quite ingenious that way.  Shaun didn’t have the “benefit” of being lazy.  Because it was a true fact that if he didn’t do it right then, it might not ever cross his mind again.  Or at least not until it was to late.

He also wanted to be involved in everything – that’s something I noticed about him.  He knew that if he had an idea, and it was a good one, he wanted to see it played out.  He kept me inline too.  He kept me focused.  To be with a man like that, frankly you have to be or you will go crazy.  But I see myself still doing the things that he used to do.  I guess when they say that you can’t catch ADD, you kinda can.  And boy, I am glad I did.  Because I wouldn’t want it to be any other way. I love you Shaun.  So much.

I love shoes.  Adore them even – never met a pair I didn’t like.  But today, a pair of shoes broke my heart.  Me and my friend Brooke were searching my house high and low for staples for a staple gun.  And we go into the hall closet.  Well, after Shaun died – people brought a lot of paper products, and we just began storing them in that closet.  So, my sewing box is in there, and I thought, “Hmmm… could I have put them in there?”  So I open the closet door.  Start moving all the toilet paper, paper towels, etc. to the garage.  But then, on the floor of the closet, I find Shaun’s red and white tennis shoes.  Size 12 boats, that he wore with a red polo and look absolutely gorgeous.  And it almost hit me – he’s not going to wear those again.  He’s not coming back home.  And I cried and cried.  And, also in that closet – I found the Ravens flag that he bought for our new house.  I’d looked for it – but didn’t know where he had put it because we were planning to move.  So, it is now hanging proudly on our front porch.

I can’t believe that he is gone.  Still I can’t.  This is the first breakdown like this I have had for awhile.  I left the shoes in that exact spot.  I can’t bear to move them.  He was so proud when he bought them.  He thought they were his “preppy” tennis shoes… and they were.  He was so absolutely amazing.  So, a pair of shoes broke my heart – but the man who were them gave me a heart full of love that now is capable of breaking.  So, I am thankful to him for that.  But, my goodness, I miss him so much.