I used to love Sunday nights.  Me, Shaun, and the kiddos would go to church.  Then when we got home we might take a nap, then we would sit around and watch TV.  Shaun and I would play Uno after the kids went to bed… and it was nice and relaxing.  I feel kinda weird on Sunday nights now.  Almost like I don’t know what to do.  I throw myself into everything on Sunday nights.  I make plans to do household stuff on Sunday nights.  Like tonight, I repainted Isabella’s toes and fingernails.  Gave her a bath.  Dried, flat-ironed, her hair.  Dyed my blonde streaks re blonde. (if that ‘s even a word).  Gave Jacoby a long bath.  Cleaned the downstairs.  Had Tariq take a shower.  Went through the clothes in his room – and I’m not done yet.  I just keep trying to fill the time.  I am ready for Monday morning – just so Sunday night is over. But, I love the time with the kids, I do.  It’s just weird – kinda like a third dimension type of thing.  Like something seems off kilter, and no matter how hard I try to avoid what I am trying to avoid – it’s lurking there  in the corner.  So, tonight I decided I would stop the crazy running around – and self admit that I am trying to ignore the fact that Sunday nights make me sad.  So there it is.  I said it.  It’s out there.  I thought writing it might help a little bit. but it definitely didn’t.  😦

Here is a little humor that just happened during the middle of this blogpost.  Tariq and Isabella started yelling at each other over the iPad.  So, I made them put it away.  Made Tariq turn off his cell phone.  And you wanna know my punishment for them talking ugly to one another?  I am making them sit on the couch and hold hands.  I am cracking up.  They look miserable – feel free to use that one if you ever need to.
Shaun would appreciate that one.

Sorry to skip topics there for a second, but real life does occur during my blog. 🙂  Now you got proof.  Anyway, I just am sick of feeling out of my element.  I know that there are big changes going on in my life, and this might be a learning curve, some part of my journey.  But  please, please – just pray for strength for me.  I kinda feel like a fish lost at sea.  Love you guys.

Today, during the brewing of hurriquake Irene… I was at my church.  And first and foremost, let me thank Krissie for watching my kiddos, so I could be there.  I love you girl.  But I was there for a program called REACH.  And there were pastors there from all over creation, trying to learn how our church “does it”.  How to be a mobile church, get it running, etc.  And I am so thankful, that today, I was allowed to serve these pastors and their staff.  Such an honor, to be able to touch a few – that could in turn touch thousands.  To see a mass gathering of people – that before today I never knew existed – and see them on fire for God.  Obeying what God is telling them to do.  And it’s awesome.  I am thankful that God hasn’t called me to start a church.  That would be hard work.  Work that I couldn’t even imagine trying to undertake.  And it was gorgeous to see them excited to do it.  And I wanted to hug everyone one of them.  And personally tell them thank you.  Because, as morbid as this sounds, what happened to me is going to happen to someone else, again and again.  But because of Pastor Daniel, Pastor Jeremy, the whole crew of volunteers,etc.  I know where my husband is.  I know I get to see him again.  And I want everyone to have that gift.  I can’t imagine not having it.  I just want to stress that what they are doing matters so much – even when it feels like it doesn’t – it does.  They just don’t know what can happen.

And then I saw this today.  I was blessed to be able to hear Pastor Daniel speak twice today.  And it was a different vibe.  He was speaking to his “peers”.  But guess what?  It was no different than him speaking any other day.  Maybe somewhat of different topics – but the message was the same.  Exactly.  And it made me want to scream and jump again.  I am blessed, to have a pastor, who is a real guy.  He doesn’t change what he says or thinks for anyone.  He is consistent, no matter who he is speaking too.  And I think, too often, people sway what they say for the crowd they are with.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I never thought he did that – I never thought about it at all.  But it hit me when I was standing there, listening to him address his  peers – and I forgot I wasn’t at church on Sunday morning – It was awesome.  I am blessed to have a Pastor who is real, and is trying his best – to do exactly what God calls him to do.  I am blessed because he has an amazing wife, who stands beside him, and supports him in that task.  I am blessed for the whole staff of Lifepoint, who support them and us.  I am blessed.  And although, my life has been very hard lately, and I have been very sad – I am blessed.  So today, at REACH,  I was reached.  Shaun was going to change people.  He has.  Now Kristie is going to change  people.  And I am not doing it for Shaun, although I know he would be proud and happy, I am doing it for God.  Because that is what I have been called to do.  I don’t know  how I am going to do it – but I am going to do it.  Mark my words… It will happen – someway or another.  So, pray for me… something is brewing in me… big time.

I heard a song today while I was at work called, “What if I Stumble?”, and I gotta say – it hit home with me.  It’s talking about giving God a lot of excuses, over why we can’t.  And trust me.  I got a lot.  I feel sorry for myself sometimes.  I feel angry.  Violently angry in my head.  I victimize myself sometimes.  Even the events of nature that have occurred this past week, I have to be honest, I felt it was almost a personal slight.  I know, I know – don’t let the world hit me in the head as it comes by – since obviously I think it revolves around me.  And then I sit back and look at myself, and if I was God – I would punch myself in the throat.  I rationally know that earthquakes and hurricanes are not all created for my personal annoyance and grief.  But boy, sometimes it feels like it.

I have had a horrible year.  Can’t get any worse at all in my head.  It really can’t.  Everything else is so trivial to me.  All thing that concerns me now – my whole reason for living – is my kids.  But I need to focus on people beyond my kids.  There are people out there who need hope.  I need to help them.  I need to get out of my own head, and do what God wants me to do.  And I know Shaun would want that for me too.  I need a purpose greater than my own, because what a dismal existence to live only for man.  Human needs and desires.  It seems really ridiculous if you really sit and think about it.  I could be a millionaire, and it wouldn’t matter.  I will never have what I want until I get to heaven.  But I will have it – and that’s the one thing that I am assured of.  I know it.  I live by it – breathe by it – only way I sleep.  I don’t know when I will have it – but I know I will.  My faith is strong.  I feel like faith is the wrong word though – because I KNOW.

So, I am going to try.  I am going to pray.  And if I stumble – I’ll jump right back up.  And then it will start again.  I know I got a team cheering me on in heaven, and pretty sure I got a decent team here on this earth cheering me on also.

I sometimes wish I was 3.  Things seem so simple then.  You are old enough to go potty alone, but all other needs are taken care of and met.  Wasn’t three a great age?  I don’t remember a lot about it – but I am pretty sure it was.  I was blessed to have a set of fantastic parents.  I know that everyone doesn’t have that.  And for that it makes me sad.  They have stood by me, supported me, and loved me – even when I was unlovable.  They opened their arms and heart to Shaun when they met him – and loved him unconditionally.  They made him feel welcome in their home, and they showed him the same amount of love that he showed me.  I miss that love that he showed me.  I know it’s still there – it will always be in my heart – but I actually miss the moments, ya know?

I thought about love a lot today – true love.  And as I look around me, I realize what a rarity it is to have that.  And if you have that with your spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, whomever – cherish it.  Because that is a precious relationship.  I know how lucky I am that I had that with Shaun.  I feel like he’s my other half.  The yin to my yang.  The peanut butter to my jelly.  I could keep going, but I will not for the sake of your sanity.  But I woke up to a kiss and smile every single day.  And I went to bed the same way.  He always made completely sure that every need I had was taken care of – and tried to take care of all my wants.  And now I realize, every need and want that I thought that I had was already taken care of – because he was here.  Now  I have a lot of needs and wants – that will never be met, and I have to live with that.  I have all the visions in my head of what perfection would be like in my earthly utopia.  And that’s all.  Just him back.

But God had a greater need, one that I don’t know.  But I have complete faith in his plans.  I wish I could know more, understand more, but I still have faith.  I pray all the time.  I think I am praying more of my waking hours than not.  I pray for people I pass on the street.  Thing I see on the news.  You name it, I am turning into a regular prayer warrior.  But everytime I pray, God blesses me with such a grace that I can’t even begin to imagine.  

I have an image in my head that I want to get out on paper, canvas, something – maybe photoshop?  Who knows.  But a picture of Shaun – looking down on me… loving me from afar, but me not realizing how close he actually is.  That might not make sense, but it does in my head.  But that’s how I feel.  Sometimes I feel completely alone and abandoned.  And then I realize he’s a ton closer than I ever thought.  Kinda like that Hall and Oates song… “So Close, yet so far away…”  I think it was called So Close.  Not sure though.
I just miss him.  I forgive him for leaving.  I just wish he could come back.  Just for a minute.  Sorry this blog was kinda rambling – just a lot in my head.  I had to get it all out.  And it all makes sense to me… LOL… Scary right?

And as Isabella said to me tonight, “You wanna go play with your magic kit?”  Oh, I wish I could.  And I wish it would make it all better.

It’s 10:10 pm.  Another day has passed – and tomorrow is 9 weeks.  I know I shouldn’t count every second but I can’t help it.  Most of my day is consumed with thoughts about Shaun in some way, shape, or form.  And tomorrow is back to school for the kids.  And I feel like it’s another slap of “normalacy” and it makes me mad.  Because things aren’t normal for me.  So, it’s hard for me to comprehend how things can still be normal.  To anyone.  Now, rationally I completely understand how.  Just how my life was normal and perfect on June 22 – and someone/somewhere was suffering the same type of thing I am.  But I was going to work, I was planning events for the family to do – I was making plans.  I was living.  Now I feel like I am trudging through.  And the only way that I am capable of that is by the grace of God – and all the prayers I have had covering my heart.

But here is a question.  How do you heal a child when you are broken yourself?  Google it – no good answers.  First time google has let me down.  How do I help my kids, ease their pain, when I ache myself? I have said all the things that you read that you should say.  Here’s the fact.  It’s crap.  Kids are little people – not unintelligent.  I have had them draw pictures, talk, describe their favorite memories – so on and so forth.  And you know what they want?  Shaun back.  Same thing I do.  So tonight this is the way I handled it.  They both are sad that he won’t be there for their first day of school.  I told them it makes me sad too – cause he loved it.  (We laughed about how he’d be excited for a break – summer’s can be long when you got three kiddos!)  They said they wanted him back.  I told them that I bet I wanted him back more.  Isabella, that kid – I love her – she looked at me and said, “I bet you do – you all were the other halves.”  Not the best grammar – but I got her point.  She knew how much he loved me.  But she also knows how much he loved them.  And we sat for awhile, cuddled up, and watched a little tv.  I got them in the shower – ready for bed for school the next day. Good night kisses and tucked in.  Bella wanted to sleep with me tonight – I let her.  She’s there now.  That’s all I know to do.  Just love them.  Don’t try to fix them.  Just be there if they feel they need a “fixing” moment.

Ok, so that was my sick, twisted humor at today’s quake.  But, here is brutal honestly.  Today was bad.  Really, really bad.  I don’t think I have cried as much as I have today – since after the funereal.  I get to work, I can’t even function.  I sit looking at my computer, and fully try to concentrate on not snorting or hacking while I sit there.  I never would have thought that two months would have brought me to my knees – and it did.  That, along with the kids starting school, not a good combination.  I left work today at 11 because I just couldn’t even see.  I didn’t know what to do.  I also been really worried about my daughter, Bella. (She’s 8).
Bella, sometimes acts completely fine and happy – and others, sad and reclusive.  She tells me shes fine, and nothing’s wrong.  I’m her momma, and I know better.  But I haven’t pushed her.  Last night I did.  She told me that she didn’t want to make me sad.  My response to her was, “But I am sad, and I’m sorry.  But it makes me worry when you don’t talk to me.”  So she did.  She asked me where Shaun was when I woke her up that morning.  I really thought about lying.  I didn’t want to freak her out.  But, I thought if I do lie, and she will learn the truth at some point – she might think I lied about other stuff – so I bit the bullet and told her.  He was downstairs in the floor.  They were waiting on the medical examiner.  She asked me why I didn’t let her see him.  I told her that I was afraid it would scare her.  She asked me if it scared me when I saw him at the funeral home – and I told her no.  Not at all, actually – he looked peaceful – not like himself – but peaceful.  I explained to her how his spirit was gone, so it didn’t seem like him.  It looked like him, but it didn’t seem like him.  She looked at me with those big brown eyes, and said, “I wish you would have let me seen him.  I wanted to tell him bye – I had stuff to tell him.”  I feel horrible.  I know, rationally – she didn’t need to see him.  But my heart feels sad because she feels like she didn’t get her goodbye.
So, as I am leaving work today, I decide to go by Party America and get some balloons, that we could write notes on and send them up to heaven to Shaun. (Sorry for the run-on sentence).  And I do.  I decided to let them go at the city pier where Shaun and I get married.  I never thought I could write that much on a balloon.  Never ever.  We all did.  Jacqueline and her kiddos showed up to support us – which I am forever grateful.  We prayed, I sang to him(not loud – just under my breath), and cried.  And we let them go.  And it was beautiful.  And it helped me a little.  Not a lot, but I felt like I did something for him and the kids today – so it helped.
The kids wanted a frappachino from Starbucks, so we decided to go.  Just to chit chat for a few minutes before we ran our errands.  We were talking about Shaun, all that has happened since me and Jacqueline used to go there with the kids when they were small.  And the next thing I know, I hear a voice in my head say “GET OUT!” I stand up, and the next thing – the ground is shaking – the windows are shaking – and the brick looks liquidy(yes, I know it isn’t a real word – but I’m using it.)  We get the kids out the building and run towards a grassy area.  Yes – an earthquake.  Now, I gotta say, I was disappointed that it wasn’t the rapture.  But, It makes me thankful, that I was capable to run, I have a desire to not be smooshed by a falling building.  I am thankful I have all this pain – because with it I know I am still here, and can still reach people.  So that’s what I will continue to do.  Just please keep praying for me.  I need it. 

So, like clockwork I guess – have a great day, next one kinda blows.  Seems to be my pattern.  Not a fantastic pattern, to be honest.  It makes me nervous anytime I have a good day… Ugh.  And, honestly – today was okay – up until lunch.  I found out that the brother of a friend of mine committed suicide a week ago.  And it’s tragic.  The family is in turmoil and their hearts are broken.  My heart breaks, also – although I haven’t seen the guy for a few years.  It just makes me sad, that he felt so hopeless.  That he felt like there was nothing to live for.  And I guess I have been very, very, very sad.  Sadder than I ever thought humanly possible – and I still didn’t want to die.  I mean, I guess a part of me thought it would be easier – but I have so much to live for.  And Shaun would want and expect me to carry on.  I am not saying it’s easy, but that’s what he would make me do.   I just can’t imagine feeling so hopeless that it feels like your only option.  That you can’t see beyond everything and the moments of sadness to see that there could be something great on the other side.  The whole thing makes my heart feel heavy and sick.  Please pray for this family.  Death is hard in any circumstance – but this has to be one of the hardest.
And then tonight my son had orientation at school.  I hurried out of work, went and picked the kiddos up, and off to orientation we went.  We get to the school, and follow instructions and find his homeroom teacher.  All is well.  And I know I need to tell these teachers what happened to Shaun, just in case – because Tariq has a tendency to blurt out when he gets upset.  And, well, that could make for an awkward conversation.  And all I could think about, was last year, Shaun walking through the halls.  And he was so excited for the kids to go back to school.  He was so “into” being a dad.  He loved it.  He loved parenting, taking care of things, getting their stuff together, making them do their homework – and see the benefits of all of their work and effort.  And he’s not there.  I am doing it.  So I walk into the lobby, sit on the bench, and start crying while hugging Isabella.  I am totally embarrassed, and I definitely don’t want to embarrass Tariq at school, but I couldn’t stop.  I just miss him.  I want him back.  I want him taking care of all of these things.  I need him so much.  I don’t think he ever knew just how much he was actually needed.  I hope that he knows now.  I cried on the way home.  I cried when I got home.  It’s been a teary day.

What a day in my life.  It has been the biggest roller coaster of emotions that I have ever experienced.  Most importantly – my amazing son, Tariq – was baptized today.  And it was an amazing moment.  Seeing your child – standing up before people – not caring whether people will think it’s “cool” or not – and saying – “I LOVE JESUS – AND I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!?”  Well, that makes his momma proud.  Very proud.  And it makes my heart give a huge sigh of relief.  To know that through Shaun – who instilled it in him, My daddy – who walked him through it, and Jeremy- who baptized him- made my heart feel as if it would explode.  As you all know – Shaun was the most important man in my life.  He was my love, my best friend, my soul mate.  I have never loved anyone like that. Not ever. Never will I again.  You can’t have a perfect love like that and ever feel anything close to the same.  Then there is my daddy.  What can I say?  He’s my daddy.  He took care of me my whole life – and he still does.  Those are safe arms that I can always fall.  And bless his heart, he is 65 years young, and has been carrying me for the past two months.  And then there’s Jeremy – my friend from high school. He provided pre-marital counseling for Shaun and I.  And, he gave Shaun the honor of performing his memorial service.  And, today, he held my son – as he publicly told the world that he would enter the kingdom of heaven.  Three very important and amazing men to me – all having a hand in this most important moment of Tariq’s life.  I am forever grateful.  Two got to be there in person today – Shaun was there in spirit – I know it.
And then, this most amazing article was published in the Free-Lance Star today.  Cathy was amazing – she put in words the way I felt.  And I am so thankful that so many more people got to know the story of Shaun and I.  I am so blessed by that.  And not only that, but today I was surrounded by my family and friends.  And today, I felt loved.  I felt blessed.  And I knew that Shaun was all around me.  And still is.  And to see how amazing  God is to us all – WOW!  But, I’m honest in this thing – and I gotta say… It made me want him there even more.  Shaun would have been so excited.  He would have been bouncing off the walls type of excited.  One of his best friends was baptized today.  And all he ever wanted was this man to see what he saw.  And he did today.  When I found out – that his guy was baptized – not only was I floored, but I started sobbing in the middle of Bravo…  I wish Shaun was there in person.  I wish he could have witnessed it first hand.  It hurts in these big moments – when my cheerleader and support isn’t there.  But it’s amazing if he doesn’t provide them in a zillion more ways… And this is another reason that I love him.
But tonight, I was sitting on my porch thinking, like I do each evening, and I got this text…

“I know you do girl.. Your doing exaclty what he would want… changing peoples lives… Showing them how to be real…. I know that u and him have changed me and I am forever grateful.  I can’t wait to hug him in heaven and thank him for making me open my eyes…”

And when I got that text, I was praying… And asking God if all this couldn’t have happened with him here.  I got a text message as my answer.  And I know Shaun would have sacrificed his life for one person – no less any others.  Even if it was just a planted seed.  He had been through so much, and still dealt with it.  But he wanted everyone to have that peace of God’s love.  I am so thankful.  Sad.  Blessed.  Happy.  Sad.  Well, a lot of sad, but great adjectives in there too… So here’s my webster’s word for today. 

Bittersweet:  both pleasant and painful or regretful.

Yup, that sums it up. And here’s a quote for ya…
I feel extremely lucky, extremely grateful, and a little bittersweet, too.
Wentworth Miller

Tomorrow is a big day in my home.  Tariq has chosen to be baptized – and it’s happening tomorrow morning at Lifepoint.  I am so excited, and I feel so blessed.  It’s a big day for us.  And I thank Shaun for it -but he would have been so proud to see him – and I know he would have wanted to baptize him.  I wish he could be there.  I know that he will be there in our hearts – but I wish he could physically be there.
I also don’t know, if Shaun hadn’t passed away, if Tariq would have done it.  It really made Tariq stand back and take a look at himself.  His faith.  His beliefs.  And he decided that he had spouted a lot of what he had been taught, but hadn’t taken it all to heart.  So, he made changes – and tomorrow is the big day.  I will always be thankful to Shaun, for all the miracles that he worked in all our lives.  I can’t wait to get to heaven and kiss his face all over telling him thank you.  I would have never thought it  possible – to be so in love with someone who isn’t here.  To ache for them to share things with you.  To sit all alone at night, kids in bed, and cry because how much it hurts.  But, to be so excited for them.  For the amazement that they are experiencing.  The beauty that they are seeing.  And looking at it through new and fresh eyes.  How can you be so happy for someone, but so sad for yourself?  Doesn’t seem like it should be even possible.  How can you miss someone so much?  How do you live when half of you is missing?  How do you make people who have never experienced it understand?  Do you even want them to understand?  I don’t know.  I just know that I am a hot mess of emotion tonight – and it doesn’t make a lick of sense.  Not at all.  To sum it up – I am happy, sad, nervous, excited, proud, miserable, and achy.  Hmmmm.

I read a quote tonight – here it is.
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”  ~E.E. Cummings
And one more…..
“Almost every man wastes part of his life in attempts to display qualities which he does not possess, and to gain applause which he cannot keep. ” ~Samuel Johnson, The Rambler, 1750

So, I have found my topic of thought – which has stewed in my head in little, wispy, thoughts – all around me.  But there are many, many things I miss about Shaun.  But here is one – the man loved it when I was just me.  Just me-in all forms.  Shaun realized something – that being a great man, a great father, a great husband, did not require him being right – he just needed to be real.  He didn’t hide anything.  And what I mean in that, is if he acted mad – and I asked him what was wrong – he told me.  If he didn’t like something I did, the kids did, he told me.  He rarely kept things bottled up.  He kept some things personal – I don’t think being real means being a complete open book to everyone you meet – but he was Shaun.  He dressed the way he wanted to.  He sang as loud as he wanted to.  He had a question, he asked it.  You asked his opinion (you better really want it) – because he would give it to you lock, stock, and barrel.   And here is what I think – you have to know yourself to be yourself.  Have to.  Otherwise you are gonna have some problems.
And I have learned a lot about myself the last 8 weeks.  And I will be myself.  If someone asks me a question – expect an honest answer.  I will let everyone know how I believe, I will recognize my short-comings, and work on those. Why?  Because I want people to know the real me – and love the real me.  I can’t worry about being over sensitive to the where no one really gets to know me.  I want people to experience what I am experiencing – but without the tragedy that it took to get me here. 
But I will wear funky shoes, cool jewelry, and have tattoos.  Why?  Because they make me smile.  And if folks think it’s weird?  Then let’s talk about it – we might become buddies.   And frankly, we only live once.  And it can be over in an instant.  Live your life to the fullest – enjoy every second – and make an impact on humanity while you do it.  Of course you will cry – I do about 70 times a day.  But I will make God proud, Shaun proud, my kids proud – and I will die trying to do so.  Love you guys… 
(And sidenote – Shaun loved the weird jewelry, funky shoes, weird accessories – and he would always say, “Now babe, that’s you.  I never thought I would say that about anyone – but you rock it. ”  So, apparently, when you are yourself, you rock it.  So – Let’s all rock it.  Cause Shaun loved himself some Shaun – and he rocked it, too!)