So, Today I got a tattoo.  It hurt bad.  It felt like someone was cutting my wrist with a razor blade – or at least that is what I imagine it would feel like. (I have been fortunate enough to not ever have my wrist cut with a razor blade.)  For anyone who has never had a tattoo – the whole experience can be surreal… Especially if you go to Jack Brown’s here in Fredericksburg.  A lot of different people go there – I was there, a girl getting tattooed(who didn’t have a lot of room left, honestly) – an elderly lady who you would never imagine would be getting a tattoo – you get my drift.  And I am talking to Chance, my tattooist.  He is brutally honest – you never wonder what he’s thinking.  He is callous, in a refreshing way.  This tattoo meant a lot to me – and he knew it… we started talking about Shaun.  My friend – Jacqueline was holding my hand the whole time – for the physical pain along with the emotional pain.  Anyway, I digress.  I start crying, and I told him the part I still have a hard time with is Jacoby’s age.  That he won’t remember firsthand how absolutely amazing his father was.  And that makes me sad.  And here is Chance’s reply – “But think of it – in a way – he will be legendary.  He will never upset his son.  He will never mess him up.  He will always be able to imagine him as a superhero.”  Which for some strange reason, made me smile… Because it’s true..  I will be able to tell Jacoby how amazing his daddy was – and it will never be tainted by anger, punishment, a moment of pure judgement.  It can be pure love without flaw.  And isn’t that as close to Jesus’ love that we can get?  I think so.

Now here’s the kicker…. There is a circle in the cross – that was just going to be shaded.  Chance almost started, lifted it, almost started, lifted it again… and said, “How bout if I put another shaded cross in the center… instead of the other design?”  I smile – look at Jacqueline – she smiles – and in unison we nod.  He does it.  I think that it will be pretty… and then as I am starting to write this blog, I google “two crosses” – here is an excerpt to what I read….

“Why two crosses?” (This was the question posed – and here is the answer)

There are two crosses, because really only two matter.
The first cross=Jesus.  He is the Son of God and was crucified for the sins of the world. Mankind was separated from fellowship with God and doomed by something called sin. We were in trouble and needed a savior. By willingly dying on this cross, Jesus took the punishment for our sin and made eternal life possible. Anyone who accepts Him as their savior receives eternal life. In addition, because God raised Him from the dead, abundant life is available for those who believe.
The second cross=Thief.  This thief was receiving capital punishment for his criminal activities. At first he was hurling insults at Jesus. But before he died, and this is important,(notice the bold and underline), he had a change of heart and asked Jesus to remember him. He never went to church, sang in the choir, or served on a committee. He never dropped money in the offering plate and probably never helped an old lady cross the street. His physical body died that day, but because he accepted Jesus, his soul went to Heaven.

Profound, I know.  And my wrist now is a constant reminder of that for me.  It has the love of my life’s name – and what he used to call me.  But more importantly, it has the symbol for the love of my eternity – Jesus.  And a smaller cross in the center – because if it wasn’t for the big cross – us little ones couldn’t be with our Savior.  So the big cross, the little cross, Shaun’s name and the word BeautifuLL.  It’s my universe all rolled into one.  That because of the cross, and God’s love and sacrifice for us, we can all spend eternity in heaven – worshiping him – and loving our loved ones for eternity.  You know how they say God works in mysterious ways?  Well, today he spoke to me through a tattoo on my arm at Jack Brown’s Tattoo Revival, in Fredericksburg, VA.  Yes – he is everywhere you look – and if you listen, he will speak to you.  Love you all… so much.  And as Shaun once said, “Whoever needs this, I love you – God Loves You – and I am praying for you.”

I have played many different roles in my life.  Here are a few:
1. Daughter
2. Sister
3. Friend
4. Mother
5. Wife
6. Employee
And that’s just to name a few.  I am sure that we can all think of all the different roles that we play and titles we have had in our life.  But it’s weird to me, the one that I seem to identify with is the term “widow”.  When I meet people, I feel like I need to tell them.  It’s not that I want to – I need to.  My friend Krissie made me go get my haircut today – It needed it bad before Shaun died – Imagine now (I have very short hair – so trust when I say it’s bad).  Anyway, Veronica at Ulta(who did a great job – so insert plug here), introduces herself, and asks me how I am doing today.  My response, classic mind you –
“I am okay.  But my husband died 3 weeks ago.  My friend made me come here to get my haircut.”  Poor lady… way to drop a mega bomb on her.  I kinda felt horrible but I couldn’t shut up.  That’s my identity now.  Shaun’s widow.  I feel like I need people to know.  To understand why I am the way I am.  It’s weird.  It’s almost like a way to tell people that you feel like you are only half alive.  To let them know, that you might look okay, but you are broken.  And why do you want people to know you are broken?  I have no idea. I never felt that way before. If I had issues I liked to smile, and say “Everything’s great.”  Well, at least to people I don’t know.  Why has this become my new identity – I’m not sure – because I know deep down, I am still his wife, I’m still a daughter, sister, mother, and friend.  But I feel like the term “widow” describes my heart.  And it hurts – but God is with me – he will make it clear soon.

I’m sitting on the couch, snuggling with Jacoby.  My heart literally aches inside my chest to know how he will never personally know Shaun.  He will never see, first hand, the amount of compassion, caring, and dedication Shaun gave.  He will never know how he loved to blast the radio and dance with him.  He will never know just how much Shaun sacrificially loved him.  Albeit, I will always tell him so – it’s not going to be something he experiences firsthand.

But, then I think about God’s love for us.  And I realize, he will know.  He will understand.  He will love and miss you.  But it’s only going to be for a little “blip” of time that we are here on this earth – and then you will have eternity together.  Praising God, loving each other, which is all Shaun ever wanted anyway.  That was his purpose here – to prep us and others for eternity.  Shaun struggled, had questions, he was human.  But he researched the answers.  He delved into his faith – took the bull by the horns.  He was going to make his family understand, and he did.  He showed me the urgency.  He showed me the patience to persevere.

I spoke with my Pastor and his assistant yesterday, and the were so comforting and helpful.  And I realized something as they talked to me – their heart broke for me but they also lost a friend.

Today, I learned a lot.  I feel like I learned a lot about you.  I met with Daniel Floyd, our pastor.  The insight of that man to your heart was profound.  He knew you well.  I feel like you let him know what he needed to know to help me.  I love you so much.  I decided that Monday I am going to go back to work.  I know you would want me to.  You want me to continue what you started – and I don’t know how I will – but I promise I will make you proud.  A wise man told me today, “All things new….”

Today, all things are new.  You are happy – I miss you.  But I will do my best to make you proud.  I have a long and tedious journey to go on.  But I know you are with me and you have got my back.  As you used to say, “We got this…”

I love what you continue to do for me.  I love what you continue to show me.  I am in awe has to how you “got it”.  And through all this time, all my time going to church, learning about God – I didn’t get it – but you did.  I see that now.  I know what’s important now.  This life is so fleeting.  It  can be gone in a second, and we have to make every second count.  We have to share.  Who cares if people judge us?  We have to let everyone know what we have, so they can have it too.  Love for humankind.  Giving God the praise he deserves.  I love you Shaun, and what you continue you show to me – makes me know how much you loved, and continue to love.  What an amazing man you are – not were – because your footprint on this earth was profound – you are still around, just in heaven.  I love you, daddy.

Everything reminds me of you.  I talk to old friends, and I know that they led me to you.  Well, my life’s path led me to you.  To a faith that we drew together.  A family, a life.  We went to Buffalo Wild Wings tonight, in the old UNO’s building – and I cried when I walked in.  Just full of memories of us… the beginning of us.  It looks different, but still the same.  I knew how much you wanted to go there for Tariq’s birthday dinner, and he wanted to go to.  I feel like a can’t really have a good time if you aren’t around.  I miss you.  Everything reminds me of you.  Food, drinks, smells, sounds, tv shows – all come back to you.  I feel guilty when I forget for 30 seconds and laugh.  Although I know you would want me to.  I would give anything to have you hear beside me.  But I am writing, Like you told me to do – and it’s all from my heart.  I want to make you proud.  I want to continue what you started.  I love you – and if love can make someone live on – then you will be around forever.  Because I never loved like I did you – and I never will again.

I realized tonight how blessed I am with the people that Shaun tactfully put in my life.  I have a sister, who is passionate about Shaun’s desires – and is raising money through her business.  I have friends – who are going to create an event that’s gonna stop Fredericksburg. Shoot, maybe DC even.  Shoot, MAYBE IT WILL TURN INTO IT’S OWN REALITY SHOW!!!  Everyone used to say, Shaun and I would make a good reality show – which unfortunately, is probably true.  But I was blessed by God, to have a man love me unconditionally.  I am blessed by God, with such a sweet support system of women, who are my soldiers in this horrible battle – and they are carrying me through.  For those of you who are my friends on facebook – Look at the amazing comments by numerous women.  Don’t ever take for granted the women God places in your life.
For example – Shaun’s daughter’s mom has been a rock for me.  She has listened at my cry, came and hugged me, and opened up her heart to me.  Megan, I can’t thank you enough.  You will never know how much you helped me – and continue to help me – through the this horrible time.  Our conversation today made my heart smile.  I love you girl….
And then, I talked to one of Shaun’s childhood friends – who was so happy for him, me – the kids.  And so proud of the change in his life.  It makes my heart smile again, when other people saw the change in him who didn’t experience him everyday.
I miss him so much – more than I could ever fathom.  But I was blessed to have him – blessed to have him as my husband.  And blessed to know I will be with him forever in heaven.  Thank you Shaun, for giving me the biggest gift ever – I hope you know how much it means to me.  I love you.

So, today is two weeks.  It doesn’t seem possible.  I think part of me is still in denial.  Last night was no good.  I just wanted him in bed beside me so very much.  One of Shaun’s friends who he had somewhat lost contact with called me last night – he had just found out.  My heart broke for him, too.  I wanted to console him, but I can’t because I can’t even console myself.  The feeling of being without the one you love – and the one that loved you back seems impossible.  Because just because he is in heaven doesn’t mean that I am not in love with him anymore.  I still am – I still feel completely the same way.  I look at his pics, and I know what some of those looks meant – and it’s like he’s still there for a second.  I kiss his pics, I hug his Urn.  I feel like a morbid freak at times.  I just don’t ever want to let him go.  I wish I could put into words the sadness and longing that I feel.  I can sit in a room full of people and I feel alone.

How easy it can be to remember, but how hard also.  Today, I’m still working on Shaun’s Scrapbook, and I as I’m doing it – I start remembering things.  I remember how he called me “boo” – that’s the one that made me cry.  Frankly, it always annoyed me… “Hey boo..”, “Love you boo”, “What’s wrong, boo?”  I don’t know why it got on my nerves – but I feel so mean now that it did.  I would love to hear him call me that again.  I also remembered his love for boston baked beans.  That made me cry.  I bought him a big box of them at the gas station near my work the day before he died – and he got to eat them. 
There are many things that I have remembered, those just to name a few.  But it seems with every little memory, the hole in my heart gets a little deeper.  I pray you never have to go through this… because it hurts.  It hurts me in the here and now.  Every second, every minute, of every single day.  But I once again  have the assurance that he’s in heaven, and for that, I am thankful.  I know I have said that a million times – but I can’t stress it enough.

So, I decided that I am making a digital scrapbook, and then I am going to have it professionally bound like a coffee table book – and it be the story of Shaun and I.  I know it seems crazy, but I want to make sure that every memory is completely documented.  Not one forgotten.  So I have slips of paper everywhere, the notepad app on the iPhone is quite handy, and dragon dictation too.  I wish I knew why I had such a panic of forgetting.  You can’t forget someone that amazing.  Someone that special.  But I want to make sure every detail is perfect.  Just like he is to me.  It’s gonna be a long endeavor, putting 3 years in pictures in a detailed book… but I hope it’s worth it.  I want to see his face, hear him sing to me, hold his hand… I love him guys more than you can know.  And it’s really painful to be in love with someone who is no longer here.