I have been searching for so many things.  So many questions – not a lot of answers.  And I am searching constantly.  Praying constantly.  I talk to Shaun often.  I sit around, I look around, and just talk to him.  I ask questions.  But I am not praying to Shaun, I don’t want to get that confused at all.  But, he was such a huge part of my life.  The person I could tell anything to – at anytime – and he would listen.  How can I not do that anymore?  I am well aware that he isn’t here, that he isn’t going to answer back.  But I can’t help it.  And I need to figure things out.  I keep trying, and I hope one day I do – at least somewhat.  But I am not searching for Shaun, I am seeking a closer relationship with God.  It’s something Shaun had.  And I want that, too.

Shaun’s death is what got me on the journey, but he was already on the road.  And yes, I feel like I will know Shaun on a different level, if I get my walk with God right.  And if I seek him the way Shaun did.  But I am almost envious (Much more thankful), but I wish that Shaun could see that he got me the way he did.  The things he did and said make so much sense to me now.  But how is it, that I can still feel him?  I can sit on the couch, shut my eyes, and I remember what holding his hand felt like.  I can remember how it felt when his hand was on my back and he pulled me in to kiss him.  I can still feel the feeling of his pulse in his neck, when I laid on his chest, snuggled up to go to sleep.  How is all that so real and vivid?  I don’t understand it – but I never want it to go.  Not ever.  I am so blessed.  So thankful for those sweet memories.  So thankful to have been loved like that once in my life.

I feel like I am walking down a dirt road, and it’s all weavy and confusing.  And there is another one beside it – I am not on that one – but it’s there.  And I feel like the one I am on, that one is my path to God, the one beside it – Shaun.  I just hope through all this – the one in front of me straightens  out, and becomes paved.  And maybe, just maybe, I will see the one beside it paved, also.  So pray for me.  I’m trying to figure all this out.

It’s amazing how and when God can speak to you if you open your eyes and ears.  How many different ways he can answer a prayer.  But what do you do when you know that there is something more?  Something more that  you are supposed to do.  Where you really feel like, in your gut, that there is something that he is telling to you do – but you have no earthly idea what it is.  That’s where I am at right now.  And don’t get it twisted, I have no problem doing it, I just wish he would send me a text or a Facebook message.  I think that would be much easier for me.  But maybe that’s just it.  We want it to be easy, but he wants us to desire and seek his will.

So my question to myself tonight, is “What’s Next?”  I don’t know.  But I know it’s got to be something awesome.  I just hope that I figure it out soon.  I am instant gratification kind of girl.  I like to see progress to a goal quickly.  I like to start and complete tasks quickly.  I just don’t get it.  But I am going to try – so hard I am going to try.  But I know that Shaun is beside me and pushing me – I know that.  I almost feel like he is yelling at me in everyway he can – saying, “Keep Going, Boo.  You got this.  You know I’m here rooting you on… Make me proud – You already are – But you have  only started.”  Quite specific, right?  I know – weird.  But that’s what I am getting.  So- I’m on a journey.  I feel like I have packed a bag and started walking, and I don’t know where the destination is.  I just hope I am aware when I arrive.  Keep me in your prayers – lots going on in this head of mine tonight.  And if you are wondering about the title?  I know it’s weird – but, that’s what got me thinking about all this.  So it seemed fitting.

I get the line of that song, I honestly do.  But I am going to defy that in this blog.  And the reason I say that, is because, well, it sounded catchy.  But here’s where I am going.  Listening is a powerful tool that we all have within our grasp.  We can help people profusely if we just listen.  But listening occurs with a lot more than just our ears – it happens with our hearts.  I was completely blessed by a friend of mine tonight.  And this is what she said to me.  “You listened to me.  Through all of this – you listened TO ME.  Not just with your ears, but you listened with your heart.”  Well, it was easy to do.  Because she always has listened to me completely, intently, and purposefully.  So, when someone does that, I guess in a way you reciprocate automatically.

But Shaun taught me how to do that.  When I talked to him, about anything, important or not – he listened intently.  Those piercing blue eyes would bore a hole in my head – and he made it known I had his undivided attention.  I knew that what I said was important to him – and he wanted to know.  I know that he completely knew my heart.  He knew my deepest thoughts – and that he was thankful that he was part of them.  He taught me how to listen in return.  There is a lot that can’t be said in words.  But a lot that can be understood if you listen.  I understand what he was doing now.  He was getting in touch with my heart.  Learning the feelings of my heart.  And he knew them in and out.  And he taught me to do the same thing. And even though he isn’t here right now, for me to talk to, I can listen to others.  And take care of needs they have just by listening.  God has given us a precious gift with our ears – we can learn so much.  I am thankful that I had the privilege of listening to Shaun.  And know what an amazing heart he has.  And he will always hold mine.

Today I got some very sad news.  Danny Gatlin, a man that I was in AD Basic class with, passed away last night.  He was a young guy – no older than 40.  This shocked me again.  I talked to Danny two weeks ago.  I talked to him for quite a while.  He asked me about Shaun’s death – he was shocked to hear the news of his passing.  He was in DC for Advanced tech training with work.  He asked me if I wanted to go to dinner.  (I couldn’t due to the brood of children – just too much), but we did have quite a conversation.

The conversation was a really deep one.  I had never talked to this man like that.  It was a conversation about God, your heart, true love, etc.  But two weeks ago, Danny said to me when he got off the phone – “I guess you need to make sure that you are ready to go at anytime.  You really just don’t ever know.”  I reiterated that to him – absolutely.  Did I ever in a million years think he would die?  No.  I really didn’t.  I mean, we can all say – “You can be gone in an instant….”  and we know it, obviously.  But, here’s my question, do we believe in our heart of hearts that it’s something that could happen to us?  In my take on it – you got like a 50/50 shot everyday.  But if I really thought that everyone had a chance to be gone is an instant, why would I act shocked when I found out?  So, I guess this is what I am saying – Once again I see it.  Pray – get your heart right with God.  It seems like I see the instants all the time…..

It’s been ten weeks since my husband left this earth.  It doesn’t seem possible that it has been that long.  I know, to some people it seems like “Wow, that’s not long at all.”  And I get that. But it still feels like just yesterday that he was here with me.  It doesn’t seem possible that in those ten weeks, Jacoby has expanded his vocabulary.  I moved my job back to Fredericksburg.  I started a blog.  Football strike ended and preseason is already almost over.  There were earthquakes and a hurricane.  Name it – it’s been a lot.  But anyway, here I am – ten whole weeks later.

Do I have regrets?  At first I said no.  I mean we were completely happy and in love.  He told me how much he loved me that night before bed. He kissed me.  He told me his plans for the following day.  Today – I have regrets.  I wish I had kissed him longer.  Made him come to bed that minute, so I had another night of laying in his arms.  I wish I had told him a million times more how much I loved and needed him.  How important and special he was.  I wish I could have given him everything he ever wanted in life.  Everything.  But now I can’t. I wish I hadn’t went to AD training – so I wasn’t away from him for that time.  I wish I had spent everyone of those nights with him in his arms.   So I do live with regret.  But I choose from this day forward to try my best and make sure I never feel this way again.

Every minute, every second, is like sand through an hourglass – and once it’s slipped away it’s gone.  And at some moment in time, all the sand runs out.  I would give anything to be able to turn the hands on the clock backwards.  I wonder if there was some instant where I could have known – changed it – saved him.  I know rationally probably not – but the heart and the brain sometimes don’t sync up very well.  But now I have to start over.  And this time – I’m going to make sure that I try consciously to make sure my kids, family, friends, all know how I feel – often.

I’m going to make it up to Shaun.  I am going to change my world.  It’s going to happen.  Because that man will always own my heart.  Always.  I’m going to give this life the best of me.  I’m gonna live the way he would want me to – the way I was meant to.  I am going to carry on his passions.  I am going to try and have the same loving heart.

I can’t erase what happened.  I can’t rewind the clock.  But of all the things I regret the most, I wish I had spent more time with him.  I wish he knew I felt that way now.  I wish I could apologize.  So here it is – I’m sorry stupid stuff got in the way of us just “being”.  I’m sorry we didn’t have more time.  I’m sorry if there was something I could have done.  I’m just sorry.  And I love you.

Today I had an incredible moment.  Incredible doesn’t do it justice.  I walked out of work today, and I had  post it notes on my car.  And they were so sweet!  There were three.. and they all said sweet, uplifting things.  I had a rough day at work yesterday, and a better day today – but still a little rough – and it changed my whole thought process when I saw them.  So, this blogpost is going to be short and sweet – but it’s a challenge.  We all have post it notes, or a receipt, or something we can write on.  We all know where our friends, family, or someone is at during the day.  And if not, we are all surrounded by cars daily.  Wherever you go, there is a vehicle.  So here is my challenge to you – give the gift that Christina Meredith gave to me today.  Tomorrow, write a positive and uplifting note. Put it on someone’s windshield, stick it on their window, whatever.  So when they come out – they smile like I did.  I’ve been through the death of my husband.  And today, I smiled from the inside out.  I haven’t done that since the day before he died.  Where you felt pure, complete, selfless caring.  If it can do that for me, God only knows what it can do for someone else.  Take the Post it Note Challenge.  Take 30 seconds out of your day, and brighten someone that you know, or a perfect stranger.  You never know who it will affect, or how.  So, thank you Christina Meredith – for letting God’s love shine through you onto my car window.  You will never know how much it meant to me. You will never know the feeling of getting that internal smile – and realizing you had lost it at a moment in time.  I felt loved, thought of, and adored.  And I realized that while I was working away – someone was thinking of me, and took the time to make me feel special.  I love you, girl.  Heart and Soul.

I got my idea for my blog this morning at 6:52 am – while talking to one of my friends on the way to work. I could go into the whole reason behind the conversation, but that would definitely be a blog post in itself – save that one for later.  Anyway, what we were talking about was perceptions, beliefs, and life in general.  How sometimes it’s great – sometimes, well it completely sucks.  And the times that it completely sucks, well – in retrospect, it really didn’t.  And here is where I am going with this.  One year ago, Shaun and I would daydream.  We would daydream about vacations, houses, moving, jobs, kids colleges, football (ravens winning the Super Bowl for him… ).  You name it – we dreamed it.  And we had big  plans.  We wanted to take the kids to Disney next fall.  He had never been and always wanted to go.  He wanted to turn his truck into a “Ravensmobile”.  We had looked into getting in wrapped.  There were a bunch of different plans we had.  Fun things we planned to do.  Those things aren’t all gonna happen now.  Ravens might win the Super Bowl, I plan to turn his truck into the “Ravensmobile” one year.. don’t know how or when, but I am gonna try, and one day I will take the kids to Disney – I hope.  But our plans – together – can’t happen.

So what I realized is this.  You know what I daydream about now?  Him holding me in bed.  Kissing me goodnight.  Watching him get grocery store rage in Wegman’s when people would bump into him with their carts.  Coming home to food cooking and a hug.  Sitting on the porch after the kids were in bed and talking to the wee hours of the morning.  Those are the things I daydream about now.  And guess what.  That’s my fantasy.  I never knew then, that what was my current reality, would one day be my fantasy.  So tonight, when you lay down, think.  Think about the things around you – and all the ugly and bad – let that go for a minute.  And think about the good moments of the day.  And trust, after my day, I know sometimes that can be hard.  But remember the minute of a laugh, a kiss from the kids, a positive email, or a funny Facebook status – and smile.  You are living someone’s fantasy.  You could be living mine.  Don’t take it for granted like I did.  That part hurts a lot.  I wish I hadn’t.  I will cherish each moment God has given me, until the day that he brings me home to him and Shaun.  And, it isn’t easy – I know that.  But just try.  For one second just try.  You might find a smile today that you already had forgotten.

I can’t believe that as of today my blog has gotten 13000 hits.  That’s insane to me.  I had a blog for my photography company, and I didn’t get that many hits in 4 years.  I don’t know if that is something about this blog doing well, or maybe I am not such a fantastic photographer.  Not quite sure.  Either way, I am excited.  And it’s a weird excitement.  I hate the topic of my blog.  I wish this blog never existed.  I wish I never had a reason to write this blog.  So, I guess I have a love/hate relationship with it.  But I can say this. It helps me.  It helps me more than you could ever know.  Weird form of therapy, I suppose.  In a way, I feel like it’s a diary where I can say whatever I want to.  When I write this, it’s just me, they keyboard, and the monitor.  No one else.  And it’s nothing that flows from my lips.  Straight from my brain to my computer screen.  (Well, there is a little typing that goes on in the middle there…)  And, there really isn’t any editing.  I say what I think, what I feel, and I feel free to do that.  No one gives me the stink eye, makes me feel nervous, nothing like that, because it’s just me.  And I like that.

But then, I get these comments.  Emails.  And although I haven’t been able to respond to everyone – I have read everyone.  And I can’t thank you enough.  You know, as a widow, you fear the moment when others forget.  And you have made it known that you haven’t forgotten.  That you are still beside me – holding me up.  And let me explain something – you all have helped me.  It helps me to know that people care enough to read my blog.  Care enough about me, about Shaun, the kids – my life – to cheer me on and root me on.  The emails, comments, touch me in ways you could never know.  To know that there are people out there praying for me – people I have never even met – is mind boggling.  And I thank you.  Deep down from the depths of my soul I thank you.  And I hope that you never experience the need for that support, but I do need it.  I need all you guys.  You give me a focus each day.  I know a few things that are gonna happen each day.  Go to work, leave work, get the kids, feed them dinner, baths, bed, blog, sleep.  That’s the rough outline.  But it gives me something to look forward to each day.  In a way, I feel like I have a moment to rant, rave, cry, scream, and laugh – maybe all at the same time, maybe not.  But I have the opportunity to let it out.  So, thank you for allowing me to let it out.  Everyday, sometimes a few times a day.  But most of all, thanks for caring.  Keep the comments and emails coming – you guys build me up like crazy.  And I am going to try to start responding every Saturday.  Because, I really believe there are some awesomely interesting people out there that I’ve yet to meet.  And tonight, like every night – I will pray for you (I really do that, no joke).  Because I know this, if you are reading my blog, there are a few things that could be the reason:
1. you know me – hence you know Shaun – either personally or vicariously.
2. you know Shaun
3. you have suffered a loss
4. you have a sweet heart who cares
5. you want to know more
All of those reasons lay on my heart, and I am sure there are more reasons than five, but that’s a few.  So I love you – I pray for you too.  And if you have anything you need prayer for – let me know.  I do it a lot.  And I would love to throw ya in there.